20 Weeks 2 Days: It's not good

After three very stressful days we finally saw the doctor. And it's not great news.

First up we had to see the midwife, and as soon as she asked me how I was going I burst into tears. I explained that we would be seeing Doctor Jensen as soon as we finished with her, and she said that yes, she had the scan report but she couldn't tell us what was wrong. She said that we shouldn't worry though, because the problem could be fixed. Which of course made me worry because my baby needs fixing.

I made it through the rest of that appointment, blood pressure is slightly high thanks to the stress, 105/90. Got to hear baby's heart beat which was nice. As we were leaving she gave me a bunch of flowers and a hug, and told me not to worry again.

So we headed out and I was still in tears. Waited in Doctor Jensen's rooms for 20 minutes and he finally came and got us. The report has come back saying expected cleft lip and palette. I questioned it because they'd told me they couldn't tell, so Doctor Jensen is sending us to see Dr Hingston on Monday for further scans and to get all the information.

I feel so deflated. Here I was thinking I'd managed to get it right this time, to grow a perfectly healthy and happy little baby, and I didn't. Now I have to put this poor kid through surgery and probably feeding issues and speech problems... I know Drew has come out the other end of his perfectly alright, he has some trouble with his breathing and his speech but he's ok. I just feel really let down.

And then there's the bullies. Kids can be so mean, I don't want my little person getting picked on. I worry enough about the birth mark on Sophie's leg.

 I guess today I'm sort of grieving. I've lost the perfect child idea and have to adjust to this whole new thing. And I really wish that Drew's mum was still with us to talk me through it all. She would have known what to say.

20 Weeks 1 Day: Not knowing

Not knowing what is wrong is killing me. There are times that my imagination is not a good thing, when I can put myself into a complete spin because I've researched things for my writing or I've lived out an event in my mind, and I hate that. I wish I wasn't a creative right now.

I keep looking back over the scans trying to find something, anything to give me a hint. But I can't make any sense of them. From what I can see the measurements are all fine. But I guess they wouldn't give me any bad images would they?

I'm barely sleeping. I keep waking up in a cold sweat and then I can't get back to sleep. Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough. I don't even want to go see the midwife first, I just want to barge straight up to Doctor Jensen's office and ask him what the hell is wrong!

19 Weeks 6 Days:The Call you Don't want To Get

I got a call from Doctor Jensen's receptionist. He wants to see us this week to "discuss the scan report". That's what she said. When we saw him last week he didn't have the report but that he'd call if there was a problem. So there's a problem, right? I knew it was too good to be true. I knew I couldn't have a healthy pregnancy. What the hell is wrong with me.

And it's my fault. I bought things. Borders and bedding, even though I knew I shouldn't. Even though I knew that every time I've bought something home for the baby before 28 weeks something has gone wrong. I didn't listen to my own common sense and now look. Something is wrong. And I have no bloody idea what because that damn radiology department doesn't tell you anything. THey tell you its fine and then its not.

19 weeks 3 days: eeeeek.

I made a to-do list of things that we (me!) Need to do before coco arrives. I'm actually surprised that I hadn't done it already seeing as I make lists for anything and everything, and I really wish i'd done it sooner! Do you have any idea how much I have to do before january?! Well, before december really because I dont want to get caught out by an early arrival! My head is hurting just thinking about it all... Why oh why did I think it would be easier this time just because we have sophie's baby things already?!

19 Weeks 1 Day: Morphology Scan Day!

So... who's been waiting for this day as long as I have?! I have to admit I had a bit of a panic last night, I got myself all worked up about everything that could be wrong, and I was pretty terrified. I didn't get much sleep and then I woke up at 4.30 and just lay there until 7.30 when I finally gave in and got up.

We managed to get a really good sonographer this time who talked to us the whole time, explaining every little detail that he was seeing. He agrees with me that Drew most likely was born with a two vessel cord seeing as he had so many problems, and so the first thing he checked was the cord:

 

Perfect. The cord has three vessels at each end and is attached nicely at both ends too. So that eliminates my biggest worry of all, because all of the issues that found with Sophie came from the cord. After that I was pretty relaxed really and just enjoyed the ride.

 

Bub was kicking and boxing and turning away, making it very hard to get good pictures so it took a while to get through everything. Next up were the kidneys, and he quickly found two of the little guys in there and the blood flow to them looks good so they are fine.

 

 

 

Which only left the face (above) and checking for cleft palette. But bub was feeling very shy and refused to move their hands away from their face, even after an hour and lots of jiggling. I'm not too worried, even if there is a cleft palette the surgery today has improved so much since when Drew had his, and his looks perfect anyway. I just really wanted to know so that I could prepare everyone else, because it does look pretty scary before it's fixed. We will be getting another scan in a few weeks to see if we can get a better picture though.

 

The all important measurements are pretty much all on track, mostly within a day or two. This is such a good sign, at this point with Sophie she was measuring between a week and two weeks smaller on everything, so I'm fairly confident this one is going to keep growing at the right pace.

 

 

 

Of course we really wanted to find out the sex, but with bub facing the wrong way and being a bit of a ninja in there, it was hard to get a clear picture. The sonographer said that he couldn't see any "boy bits" but he certainly was ready to make any bets on that. So I guess we still wait and see, although I secretly think it will be another perfect little girl!

 

After the scan we waited around Burnie for a few hours until our appointment with Doctor Jensen, but that was a bit of a waste of time. He hadn't received the ultrasound report but he was sure that they would have called if there were any problems, so he is happy for us to see the midwife next week for the results, and to arrange a follow up scan based on what they say. And he doesn't want to see me again until November!

 

I am so incredibly happy today. I can't wait for the next 20 or so weeks to fly by so we can meet our little baby!!

19 Weeks 0 Days: Nervous!!

Tomorrow is the big day. 9.30 tomorrow morning we get to see our litle coco again, and finally check for complications. I'm nervous. What if the cord is back? You can't beat the odds twice can you? I just want my baby to be healthy, nothing else matters.

In some lighter news, morning sickness and cravings have disapeared, and coco's movement are getting stronger :)

18 Weeks 5 Days: Bottlefeeding and proud!

God some women can be bitchy. You participate in a discussion about breast or bottle, and end up being told you need therapy for finding comments like "wouldn't be right to feed them from a can" as completely unacceptable. If it was the other way around, and I was telling a woman planning to breast feed that she was making a mistake I would be tarred and feathered. But it's completely acceptable to judge a woman for deciding not to breast feed.

I can't do it. I tried and my daughter lost almost 40% of her birth weight. It took over 3 months to get her back to her birth weight in the end, and a lot of tears and guilt before I was prepared to allow myself to use formula. And still today I have idiot medical professinoals trying to tell me that she wouldn't have her immunity problems if she'd been breastfed "like she should have been". What a joke!

Woman should be supported in what ever decision they make. Maybe it's time someone started a support group for non breast feeding women... share some of the respect that the breast feeders get!

18 Weeks 4 Days: Can't breath, getting over it

So I wake up this morning, and I can't breathe. My throat is constricted and I'm wheezing like an asthmatic toddler.Is there a pregnancy symptom that I'm NOT going to get this time around? I'm trying so hard to be upbeat, but this last week everything is getting on top of me.  I spent all day Thursday in bed because I couldn't make myself get up.

I want to stop vomitting. I want to stop not being able to eat more than 2 bites of anything other than yogurt. I want to stop crying at the stupidest things. I want to be able to poop. I want the heartburn to go away. I'm just tired and hormonal and frustrated. Hopefull this scan next week will improve my mood a bit.

18 Weeks 1 Day: Sharp Pain Returns

That stupid pain from Tuesday was back again yesterday, so I spent most of the day in bed. It was quite nice to just lay there and do nothing, with Drew loking after me and keeping Sophie under control. A warm bath and then bed and I woke up feeling slighty better today thankfully. I'm still really exhusted though. I think I'll get the midwife to order an iron study next week and check that out.

18 weeks 0 days: Pains, Nurserys and Cravings

I made it to 18 weeks. I really didn't think we'd get this far. 10 weeks ago I was ready to say goodbye and wasn't allowing myself to attach, and now I'm ordering nursery stuff and being kicked and prodded from the inside. There are no words for this. I remember 18 weeks was about the time with Sophie when I let myself believe she could be. Then a few weeks later that took that away with their stupid and scary diagnosis's. Not this time though: this baby is going to be fine.

Yesterday as we were coming out of the supermarket I was hit with these really sharp pain in my tummy. They had me doubling over and were coming in waves, and I was a bit worried. Drew was terrified. They went away when I got home and layed on the couch so I think I'm fine, I'd guess I overdid things the day before with the nursery.

Yep. I started the nursery. I cleaned out all the junk and the only things in there now are the things for the baby. Even bigger than that though: I bought things. I ordered bedding that matches our bassinet and wallpaper borders, and even a bag of baby wipes. I'm not going to let my silly superstitions get in the way of getting excited about this baby.Those things are only real if you believe in them, and I choose not to believe any more.

Last of all, my latest craving: Yogurt. It's ridiculous how much of the stuff I can eat. Drew chucked one on the bed the other night and then got changed, by the time he climbed into bed I'd just about finished his yogurt. And then I went and ate three more! I don't care what brand or flavour, I just want more yogurt! I didn't have cravings with Sophie, so not being able to sleep because you're thinking about all the different flavours of yogurt is weird!

17 Weeks 5 Days: Emotional!

My hormones are wreaking havoc with me this past few days. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, I can't watch TV or listen to the radio without having a sook! I was listening to Pink yesterday while I tidied up, and I was balling my eyes out to 'Dear Mr President'! And don't get me started on 'Sunday Night' last night!

I'm supposed to be editing a story to enter in a big competition, but its a very personal piece and I'm too scared to even open the file right now in case I end up crying!

17 Weeks 4 Days: Bump Picture

Here is my bump at 17 weeks... I can't beleive how big it is but it's so obviously baby so its fine. And I've only gained 4kg since I found out I was pregnant so I'm pretty damn pleased with myself there.

17 Weeks 2 Days: Movement

Laying in bed last night all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Sophie is sick and she's passed her bugs onto me and I think I'm getting some sort of flu, so I was buggered. But little coco had different ideas. Every time I'd get close to sleep there would be a tiny little somersault or kick that would wake me up again.

Sophie used to be so mellow of a night time. She'd kick up a storm all day long, and then she'd get the hiccups after dinner and that would be the last I'd feel of her until morning. This one is the opposite. I don't have much movement at all during the day, unless Sophie is crying which bub must hear. But all night long its kick, kick, kick.

I like the night time kicking better though, because I can lay there and enjoy it. With Sophie I had things to do during the day so I couldn't focus on her kicks.

16 Weeks 6 Days: A new dress!

Drew is taking me out for a grown up night tonight, no sophie chucking food everywhere! And I had nothing to wear so we went shopping, and I actually found a dress that doesn't look hideous. It shows off my belly without making me look like a whale :) Its a little bit fancy, but I think I might just live in it for the next 4 months ;-)

16 weeks 4 days: a nursery

This week i'm going to make a really good start on the baby's room. It's the only room in the house that hasn't been unpacked, and it's also where we keep chucking the things that we don't know where to put! I can just about get through the door so it might be a good idea to start sorting it out.

Its tricky though, because I can't by anything and set it up how I want to. I'm incredibly supersticious on this. There's an old jewish proverb that says you can't bring anything in to the housr until the third trimester. With oliver I brought home a baby monitor at 7 weeks which we were going to give to mum to keep at her house. With george we bought a new monitor to use with sophie at the time but to be for the baby afterwards. That was around 8 weeks.

So i'm not buying a thing, even though i'm tempted to start stocking up on nappies and wipes and blankets. I'll just clear the mess out of the room and set the furniture up. That can't mess with the superstision can it?

I got some feed back this week from a young lady who is pregnant with her first and having a hard time of it. Its good to see that my struggle is helpung someone else with theirs.