20 Weeks 2 Days: It's not good

After three very stressful days we finally saw the doctor. And it's not great news.

First up we had to see the midwife, and as soon as she asked me how I was going I burst into tears. I explained that we would be seeing Doctor Jensen as soon as we finished with her, and she said that yes, she had the scan report but she couldn't tell us what was wrong. She said that we shouldn't worry though, because the problem could be fixed. Which of course made me worry because my baby needs fixing.

I made it through the rest of that appointment, blood pressure is slightly high thanks to the stress, 105/90. Got to hear baby's heart beat which was nice. As we were leaving she gave me a bunch of flowers and a hug, and told me not to worry again.

So we headed out and I was still in tears. Waited in Doctor Jensen's rooms for 20 minutes and he finally came and got us. The report has come back saying expected cleft lip and palette. I questioned it because they'd told me they couldn't tell, so Doctor Jensen is sending us to see Dr Hingston on Monday for further scans and to get all the information.

I feel so deflated. Here I was thinking I'd managed to get it right this time, to grow a perfectly healthy and happy little baby, and I didn't. Now I have to put this poor kid through surgery and probably feeding issues and speech problems... I know Drew has come out the other end of his perfectly alright, he has some trouble with his breathing and his speech but he's ok. I just feel really let down.

And then there's the bullies. Kids can be so mean, I don't want my little person getting picked on. I worry enough about the birth mark on Sophie's leg.

 I guess today I'm sort of grieving. I've lost the perfect child idea and have to adjust to this whole new thing. And I really wish that Drew's mum was still with us to talk me through it all. She would have known what to say.