12 months ago today I finally decided that the cramps i'd been having for the past 5 days weren't right and called the maternity ward. I was 13 weeks pregnant, and they suggested I come in to emergency to get checked out.
Even when the emergency department doctor couldnt find a heartbeat on the scan I wasn't worried. It was christmas time, nothing bad was going to happen to ruin my favourite holiday.
I remember more about that day than the day we lost oliver, but its all still quite hazy. For example I dont remember if I started bleeding before or after the official ultrasound that showed george had stopped growing at 8 weeks and 6 days. I dont remember what I said or what I did afterwards, or waiting for mum and Drew to come out to emergency. They were just suddenly there.
What I do remember is feeling really empty. I wasnt in denial like I had been the first time, and I knew what was in front of us.
I dont really remember what happened after that. People came to see us and say how sorry they were. I remember the antenatal clinic called the next day and I had to tell them we'd lost the baby. Mostly I think I just sat around lost in my own world.
It was the end of something so important to us, but it was also a begining too. It was the begining of me falling apart. The last 12 months have been the worst of my life. In a lot of ways I wish i'd been able to block it all out and hide like I did with oliver.
Its been so hard to move past this one. And just like the first time I had to go and get myself pregnant only a few months later, while I was still a really big mess. Did I cause this baby's problems with the stress and the guilt? I'll never know.
One thing I keep thinking on is this: with both of our losses we've been told there's nothing we could have done, the baby was obviously sick and we deserved a perfect baby not a sick one. Hmph. Hard to swallow that when we're being presented with what we're about to face now. Who exactly gets to decide that we cant handle oliver or george but that this baby is ok?
The fact is I would have loved him no matter what, just like i'll love our little girl when she arrives in a few weeks. But instead of getting that chance I instead get to remember a baby I never met, never held, never got the chance to protect from this horrible world we live in.
Mummy loves you george. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.
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