38 weeks 2 days: mummys little acrobat

We had our final midwife appointment today, and finalised date and time of the csection. Everything is all set now, all I need to do is get 2 lots of blood work done and sit back and wait!

The last couple of days i've had a lot of pain in the sides of my bump and my ribs.... Today I found out why: bub has decided to disengage from the exit and is now sitting semi-transverse. No wonder its been so uncomfortable and I cant bend sideways!

So I guess with the position change theres not much hope of actually going in to labour. But thats ok, I probably wouldn't handle the pain anyway!

38 weeks 0 days: head in the clouds?

Here I am, 38 weeks finally and just really wishing coco would come out and play.... I've had irregular contractions and period pain for a few days but nothing that looks anything close to real labour. I'm sure she'll just be a cheeky monkey and stay put until the csection now.

But then I remembered all the things i've been pushing to the back of my mind lately. I'm probably really stupid to want her out, she's so much safer in there. At least while she's locked up safe and sound she doesnt have to struggle to feed or to breathe or any of the other things. And I think i've kind of forgot the part where she's likely to be in special care for so long.

I have no idea what i'm doing here. I know i'll figure it all out like I did with soph, but still. Very scared!

37 Weeks 3 Days: The Nusery

I've been meaning to post up some photos of the finished nursery since around 33 weeks but I keep forgetting about it! So here we go, the room is finally finished...

I thought it would have been an easy job given that we moved in to a fresh house, but apparently that room become the dumping ground for everything that didn't belong in any of the other rooms, and the first major task was to empty it out.

Then it was a matter of cleaning up the furniture that we'd used with Sophie, recovering the old dressing table that we'd had in our room with some fresh contact, and reusing the old pantry cupboard. The end result looks great though and was well worth the effort to put together a cosy little sanctuary for our little princess. 

Now all we need is the little princess to go with it!

37 weeks 2 days: waiting, waiting

Well haven't I been a bit slack with the updates. Its been so busy this last week, with george's anniversary and then christmas I feel like I haven't had a chance to scratch my nose!

Everything is going fine pregnancy wise. Our c section has been scheduled (date to remain a secret though!) and now we're counting down the days. Not long now but it cant really come soon enough as far as my body is concerned!

I've been getting between 3 and 5 hours of broken sleep a night for a week now. If i'm not tossing and turning trying to get comfortable i'm getting up to pee. And the back pain! As well as the normal pregnancy lowet back ache my siatic nerve keeps pinching which i've never had before and will be more than happy to never see again! Throw in a relapse of the hip dysplasia and some restless legs and my body is well and truely over it all!

There has been a few hopeful signs though. My braxton hicks are getting more frequent and i'm having a lot more period type pain too. My mucus plug started coming away christmas day, so who knows, bub could surprise us any day I guess.

I thought that by this point my anxiety would have peaked and i'd be nervous or scared, but I actually feel really calm. I'm not worrying any more about the cleft or any other complications, I just really want to meet my baby girl and hold her tight. I finally realised that none of the other stuff matters.

We had a five second consult with the anethistist this morning, very straight forward as we already no what to expect and how my body should react. Next appointment is just with the midwives next week so we have a pretty cruisy run to the end after all the drama up to this point!

36 weeks 1 day: rememberance

12 months ago today I finally decided that the cramps i'd been having for the past 5 days weren't right and called the maternity ward. I was 13 weeks pregnant, and they suggested I come in to emergency to get checked out.

Even when the emergency department doctor couldnt find a heartbeat on the scan I wasn't worried. It was christmas time, nothing bad was going to happen to ruin my favourite holiday.

I remember more about that day than the day we lost oliver, but its all still quite hazy. For example I dont remember if I started bleeding before or after the official ultrasound that showed george had stopped growing at 8 weeks and 6 days. I dont remember what I said or what I did afterwards, or waiting for mum and Drew to come out to emergency. They were just suddenly there.

What I do remember is feeling really empty. I wasnt in denial like I had been the first time, and I knew what was in front of us.

I dont really remember what happened after that. People came to see us and say how sorry they were. I remember the antenatal clinic called the next day and I had to tell them we'd lost the baby. Mostly I think I just sat around lost in my own world.

It was the end of something so important to us, but it was also a begining too. It was the begining of me falling apart. The last 12 months have been the worst of my life. In a lot of ways I wish i'd been able to block it all out and hide like I did with oliver.

Its been so hard to move past this one. And just like the first time I had to go and get myself pregnant only a few months later, while I was still a really big mess. Did I cause this baby's problems with the stress and the guilt? I'll never know.

One thing I keep thinking on is this: with both of our losses we've been told there's nothing we could have done, the baby was obviously sick and we deserved a perfect baby not a sick one. Hmph. Hard to swallow that when we're being presented with what we're about to face now. Who exactly gets to decide that we cant handle oliver or george but that this baby is ok?

The fact is I would have loved him no matter what, just like i'll love our little girl when she arrives in a few weeks. But instead of getting that chance I instead get to remember a baby I never met, never held, never got the chance to protect from this horrible world we live in.

Mummy loves you george. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.

35 weeks 2 days: the final scan and some aches and pains

Yesterday's scan should be our last little look at our princess before she arrives. She is growing spot on, although its hard to get a decent look at anything at this stage because her bones are so thick. But she's only measuring a day ahead of schedule and there's no problems jumping out.

She didnt have that hand in front of her face for once (which cost me a $10 bet hehe) but her head is so lodged in my pelvis that its too hard to get a good look. She is well and truely engaged and ready to go once she finishes growing. They did get one look at her and she was poking her tongue through the hole in her lip. Very cute if you ask me but i'm biased!

So i've made it to 35 weeks. Have to say, wasn't too sure we'd get this far in the begining. So you'd think i'd be greatful and happy about everything, but the level of pain and discomfort lately is throwing a bit of a spanner in that plan! I woke up 8 times last night with screaming pain in my back. I think I wake up tireder lately than I am when i go to sleep! And the almost constant period pain is a bit of a worry too. If things go alright with doctor hingston next week i'll remember to mention it to her.

I cant believe this is probably my last pregnancy and its almost over. How can time go so slowly but fly by at the same time?!

35 weeks 1 day: frustrated doesnt begin to cut it

I think I have calmed down enough now after tuesday's appointment to be able to write about it now!

We went to what was suposed to be an appointment with doctor hingston. I was planning to ask a few questions about what will happen imediately after bub is born, and get the c section booked in. it was going to be a nice easy appointment and answer the rest of my questions so I can relax and wait out the next few weeks in relative peace. Didnt happen though.

The doctor that came and got us was not doctor hingston. He was some young guy i'd never seen before and could barely understand. He sat there in silence flicking through my file, telling me things I already knew and asking questions we'd already covered. But I figured its ok, whatever, cant always get the good ones.

I asked my questions and he couldnt answer them. He was even more off hand about it than that bloody idiot registrar in hobart was! Then it.was time to book the c section and he started talking about a date completely different to the one we were given months ago at our booking in appointment! I said no way, we were told a date and we made plans for the date. So he left and came back with doctor hingstons registrar, kym.

She started in about how its unsafe to deliver a baby at 38 weeks. Which is ridiculous and I told her as much. She kept on and on, saying I was endangering the baby by wanting it done and blah blah blah, even actually called me irrational! I ended up walking out when it became painfully clear that no one was listening to me and I was just getting more and more upset. Drew stayed behind and arranged for us to actually see doctor hingston on tuesday.

I spent the rest of the afternoon crying uncontrolably. I cant believe.how ridiculous the whole thing is. They jusy would not listen to a word I had to say, and everytime I shot down one of their arguements they'd all just get more stroppy. I'm not putting my baby at risk! If she is delivered the day we were told she would be, she'll be a day earlier than.sophie. Woo. She'll be full term and fine!

You would think that when you have a mother suffering depression, anxiety and ocd, who's facing aassive challenge with this baby already that you'd be trying to keep her calm and make thing easier! But when I tried to explain this they just started threatening not to release her in to my care when she's born because i'm "clearly" not coping! I cope just fine when people arent trying toake things harder thank you!

I know that I have a huge journey ahead, and thats why I make plans and get my head around certain dates and milestones, so that i'll be mentally prepared to cope. Thats the way I do it. And if im allowed to do that i'll cope just fine, but if they keep trying to knock me off my feet I have no hope.

It just feels like yet another thing that is completely going wrong and out of my control. I've tried to do everything I can for this baby, and everytime something is screwed up it just feels like a personal attack! I just want one thing to work out the way its suposed to!

Yesterday things went a little smoother. We met with the lactation consultant who is also the nursing unit manager, and she was amazing. If I decide to lodge a complaint about tuesday she will help us, and she said to call her anytime if we have and questions or worries.

She has organised for me to have a private room without me even.having to voice my anxieties about sharing with other babies. She said we will be set up in there as indipendently as can be, so I wont have to ask for help everytime I need to do something and wont be bothered by the coming and going of other mums and bubs especially while ours is in special care.

She gave me a whole heap of information about what bottles to get, and the name and number of a lady on the coast who will be able to help us out with feeding issues along the way. So I feel a bit more in control on the feeding side of things now.

I'm still really mad about the bloody doctors though. I know that if my date changes it will be ok, I just cant believe how unreasonable they are. Hopefully next week doctor hingston will actually listen to me.

We're having our last scan today. Last chance to get a look at our little girl before she's here in our arms... Whenever that might be!