11 weeks 3 days: fat and miserable

Hormones have definitely been getting the better of me lately, and I've spent the last couple of days wallowing in my own self pity. I know I should be over the moon to have good the reasuring news this week that everything is ok, but too bad: I'm pregnant, hormonal and fat.

Hormonal moan number one: None of my clothes fit. I worked so hard last year to lose almost 30kg and I was really proud of what I acheived. But after we lost George all self control went out the window and by April I'd gained 15kg back. Then I got pregnant and since I found out I've gained another 5 or 6 kg and I'm huge. Freaking huge. Of course all of my fat clothes are in storage so I have nothing to wear and I'm trying to avoid leaving the house so I dont have to get out of my pj's.

Hormonal moan number two: I'm sick of not being able to do anything. I completely understand why its so important that I take it easy. And I don't want to sound ungreatful, but if you've ever spent 2 months not being able to do anything except sit and think, you'll know what I mean. I can't even pick Sophie up and she has no idea why, she must be starting to think mummy doesn't love her any more. I can't help out around the house, which wouldn't be as much of a problem if we had a place of our own, but living with mum it just makes me feel really useless and like a huge burden.

I really, really hope that when Housing call back on Monday they say this house is a 3 bedroom so we can accept it and move out of here into our own space. Then maybe I wont feel so bad about being such a lazy bum.

11 weeks 0 days: a miracle

This is turning into quite the drama isn't it? We saw doctor jensen today to check out yesterday's bleeding, and everything is perfectly fine.

I am so greatful to have doctor jensen this time to reasure me and share the journey, its making a world of difference just seeing the concern on his face when we walk through his door. He is exceptional.

And a massive thankyou to those very special ladies who kept me above water yesterday when I was sinking. Your constant care and concern is all that gets me through days like yesterday, especially when one of you has so much going on in your own life yet you're still there when I text you at 6.30 in the morning.

10 weeks 6 days: clots

Bleeding's back, with tiny clots this time. I guess this is the end, clots are never a good sign. Why is it always the day before a new weeks starts? 7 weeks 6 days, 8 weeks 6 days and now 10 weeks 6 days. I guess its a positive sign I got 2 weeks further this time. Maybe another hundred turns and i'll actually get a baby? Yeah because i've got another hundred turns left in me. I dont know, can I even survive this one?

10 weeks 6 days: more bleeding

I woke up at 6.30 this morning and I just didn't feel right. Went to the toilet and turns out I was bleeding again. Not bright red this time but brown and light. Then I started cramping and I was really really scared.

The bleeding has stopped now but I still have some cramping. Dr jensen can't see me until tomorrow, but his midwife has told me to try and stay calm. I'm not going to panic this time - there's nothing we can do but wait and see so thats just what we'll do.

Pretty obvious though that my body is just not built for making babies.

10 Weeks 2 Days: George's due date

I don't even know what to write. He should be here in my arms and he's not and I still can't work out why. I don't care what the doctor's said, it's not a coincidence that I have two angels. There has to be something that went wrong to take my boys away from me.

One day it wont hurt so much.

10 Weeks 1 Day: Good News!!

I didn't update yesterday because I think I was a little bit in shock. We saw Dr Jensen to follow up on the bleeding and the jagged yolk sac. When we walked in and he asked if everything was still going well and I had to tell him about the bleeding he was genuinely worried. "Oh, that's definitely not what I wanted to hear."

He took us straight through for a scan, and there was our little coco bean kicking and rolling around, heart still beating strong. And you know what? There is not a single problem with my yolk sac. It is perfectly round just like it should be.

I don't really understand what's happened. I saw the same thing on the scan as the sonographer saw, but now everything is perfect. Dr Jensen says the bleeding must have been my hemorrhage coming out. He's also said not to go back to the Mersey anymore - I call him first and if he's not available call the maternity ward who will try and get him for me.

He wants to see us again in two weeks and keep an eye on things, but he's confident everything is running smoothly. Thank god for that.

10 Weeks 0 Days: Nervous, scared

Doctor Jensen couldn't see us yesterday. We have an appointment this morning at 11.20am instead.

I keep trying to tell myself that the baby is OK, there's a heartbeat and movement and everything there should be, but then I remember telling myself all the same things last time and look what happened. I don't want to let myself get my hopes up because then its just an even bigger crash to the ground when it all falls apart.

Drew is taking this one hard. I don't have the strength to prop him up though and I feel bad about that. I don't know if he's more worried about losing the baby or about what it will do to me. I said a lot of stupid things after we lost George so he must be really scared about how I will cope. The thing is I don't have a choice - I have to cope for Sophie's sake. That's what I remind myself when it gets too tough.

9 Weeks 6 Days: Bleeding

This is a joke. It has to be doesn't it? I mean I don't deserve to go through this all again so it has to be some sort of trick fate is playing on me.

I was getting desert prepped and I had to pee... When I saw all the blood I completely freaked out. Bright read and easily as heavy as a period. So I called drew at work and I was so rude to poor Ruth when she answered the phone - I'll have to apologise to her. And little Soph was sitting on the floor looking so worried saying "you OK" over and over. It was horrible.

At the hospital they put us straight through but then we waited 2 hours for a scan. Longest 2 hours of my life. Finally it was time to go through and I could barely walk my bladder was that full.
When she said there was a heartbeat I couldn't breathe. I was so convinced it was over already. Heartbeat was 174bpm which I think is a little bit high? But its the size that's the real puzzle. Bub has grown, an extra 3 days worth of growth actually. So that's puts my dd at 14/01 instead of 17/01. I was feeling a lot lighter then.

But of course its never good news is it. Apparently there is a problem with the yolk sac. Its not round like its supposed to be but jagged and they cant guarantee that its going to be OK. I've been sent home to wait and see. I am so so so sick of hearing those words I tell you.

What I don't get though is that they didn't do any tests. THey didn't check my blood or check for infection or dehydration or anything like that. It's like as soon as they saw the jagged sac that was enough for them and it doesn't make sense to me.

I'm going to call Dr. Jensen in the morning. Hopefully he can fit me in and give me some more information so I know what we're dealing with. In the mean time I'm just one big mess. All I bloody want is to have another baby, why should that have to be so darn hard?

9 Weeks 4 Days: Cravings and Anti-Cravings

Not even 10 weeks and the cravings have hit already! Peanut butter toast... I can't get enough which is pretty weird considering I really don't like peanut butter. And the smell of a cup of coffee makes me want to hurl, which is even more weird seeing as I was a 8-cup-a-day girl (decaff after the positive pregnancy test of course!)

I suppose neither would be a problem if not for A) the carbs in the toast and what that means for my waistline, and B) Sophie forgot how to sleep last night and I've been up since 4am. And what that early start really means is that the morning sickness just has a few extra hours to make me feel miserable.

I'm not complaining, really I'm not. But can I have a break from the vomit? Please?

9 Weeks 2 Days: The best news ever

We saw Dr Jensen again yesterday, ad I could not have been happier walking out of his rooms. We have a strong heartbeat. Growth is on track. And the best bit? He can barely see the hemorrhage. So Everything is getting better and it's going to be OK. It's going to be OK!

I lost a baby at 7 weeks 6 days. I lost a baby at 8 weeks 6 days. And now that I'm 9 weeks 2 days and being told that everything is looking good, I finally feel like I can relax and enjoy the pregnancy (but not this bloody morning sickness... seriously...).

Back to him in 3 weeks for another check. We were so lucky to find him. He doesn't sit there and make me feel like I'm being stupid or over-reacting. He reassures me that yes this is a hard thing, and of course I'm going to be anxious have been through so much already, but he can get us through this one. And really, isn't that what a doctor is supposed to do after all?

9 Weeks 1 Day: More tears

Second night in a row crying myself to sleep - this time I'm blaming Offspring for a tear jerker of an episode. Patrick's ex putting together a scrap book for her kids to remember their son... I wish that was something I could do for Sophie but there wouldn't be anything to put in it. She somehow knows though that my locket is special, she holds it and says "baby?" and kisses it which is so beautiful. And if she's upset she likes to just sit with me and hold it in her hand.

My pregnancy app tells me I should be setting aside two five-minute blocks a day to "bond" with the baby. "Think about your hopes and dreams for the baby." Since Ollie I've never been able to do that. I would spend hours at a time sitting and thinking about the sort of person Oliver would grow up to be and I thought that was why it hurt so much when we lost him.

I know now that it doesn't matter - I didn't think about Sophie and still the moment I saw her I loved her so fiercely I knew that I would do anything to make her happy. I didn't do it with George and my heart still shattered when we lost him. So I'm doing the opposite of what the app says, and making a conscious effort not to think about the baby's future. Maybe that sounds heartless but its what I need to do for me.

Off to Burnie again today to see Dr Jensen and have another quick scan. I have a feeling that everything is fine - I have morning sickness and I'm so drained and everything like that - but I'm still nervous. I wonder if I'll ever be able to go to a scan without feeling like this?

9 Weeks 0 Days: Sweet Dreams

I dreamt that I delivered a tiny little baby boy last night. He was beautiful and perfect. But I don't think it was this baby, because after he was delivered I was still pregnant. I think he was George. I would have been taken in for my c-section this week to deliver him. There's going to be lots of tears over the next few weeks, with George's due date, Ollie's anniversary and the delivery of my brand new niece due on George's due date. I wonder if I can just lock myself in my room and stay in bed until its all over?

8 Weeks 4 Days: Holiday

My body is so mean to me. We're having a weekend mini-break in Hobart, and I'm still waking up at 5.30 in the morning! We hit up the salamanca markets yesterday and with all of the smells coming from the stalls and the tourists (don't mean to be racist but some of them really stink!) it was a struggle to keep my stomach contents in check. Then all of the walking left me barely able to move with this darn hips!

Today we're off for some more shopping and then the others are going fishing while I relax by the side of the water or have a nap in the car. Judging by the early rise I'd probably say nap.

Important Announcement

SURPRISE!

So I've decided it's time to share the good news, now that I'm feeling more positive about it all. There is a lot of stuff here, I've been writing since we found out, and because life is never simple there's been a few hurdles to jump over so far.

I'm not going to flood my facebook with pregnancy information, so everything will be here in the one place for all to see. Enjoy the reading... :)

8 Weeks 1 Day: Midwives

We've been to our booking in appointment at Burnie. I have to say that the midwife we saw today was lovely. She was great with Soph and got her some toys and books to play with to keep her busy, and she had actually taken the time to get all of my information together before we started.

My blood work is back, and everything is good - especially iron and vitamin D. She thinks that the Obstetrician will probably want to put me back on the antidepressants before the pregnancy is over though, as a precaution for post natal depression.

So we will alternate between seeing the clinic and Doctor Jensen every two weeks for now. Hopefully the bleed will reabsorb soon and I'll be able to cut back on the visits. C-section will be scheduled for 38 weeks to make sure I don't go into labour early because my uterus has had a rough few years and they don't want to take any chances.

That's it. It's really truly happening. I feel good.

Oh, got to go have the horrible glucose tolerance test next week too. Yay more needles lol

8 Weeks 0 Days: Cramps

Cramps are back. Started yesterday around lunch time, right through to bed time and now again today. But I woke up with horrible morning sickness so that's got to be a good sign. Maybe it's just growing pains getting worse because of all the pregnancies? Thank god we see the midwives tomorrow and they can reassure me.

Also, it appears dad spilt the beans while he was home and let slip to nana. Now the whole world will know lol

7 Weeks 6 Days: More results

Whoops. I've been struck by an incredible tiredness these last few days, its been a huge effort just to keep my eyes open which is why I haven't updated this in so long. I've been sitting in my chair all day long, and on top of that is the morning sickness which is coming in massive waves this time around, for the first time in all my pregnancies I'm actually so sick I'm throwing up. Which I guess is actually really good.

We got the official ultrasound report on Saturday. And I have to say I'm seriously pissed off with that sonographer, because she's obviously lied. The hemorrhage hasn't shrunk at all - its more than doubled in size in a week:

First scan, 24/05/12: 8x5x3mm
Second scan, 1/06/12: 28x22x5mm

So, number one, how is that "less than a millimetre" and number two, how is that smaller?

Doctor Naiker seems to think that it's because my uterus has grown and so the hemorrhage is stretched over a larger surface area. I suppose that makes sense but still. On the other hand, I haven't had any cramping in over a week and all the symptoms are looking good. I guess I just need to let go and trust the establishment to get it right. Hard to do after so many false starts though.

I also got the HcG results back and that's really good.

10/05/12 4 weeks 553
29/05/12 6 weeks 28990

Today marks the same point that we lost Ollie. I'm anxious but not doing too bad, I just wish there was a way for us to check how things are going. We're seeing the midwives at Burnie on Thursday but I think that will be too soon to pick up the heartbeat on the Doppler, so it will be the following Thursday when Jensen does a scan before we know anything.

7 Weeks 3 Days: The Joys of Clicky Hips

I am grateful for the symptoms, I really am, because they  tell me that thinks are going smoothly. But there are two things that I could really quite easily do without... Morning sickness and my hip pain.

The morning sickness is bearable, just, I'm not actually throwing up just feeling like it from the minute I wake up to when I go to sleep. I don't feel like eating or drinking, but I'm forcing myself to because I now its important. It was strong with George for a little while, but it didn't last all day. I was working too much with Sophie to really pay too much attention to what it was like that time. Maybe the doctor can suggest something?

The number one problem though isn't going to go away any time soon, and that's my hips. Living with chronic pain for 11 years has given Me a fairly high pain threshold, but it seems that when I'm pregnant and the ligaments all start to loosen it just gets a million times worse. Even sitting down is painful right now. I rolled over in bed last night and I actually had tears in my eyes.

Worst of all though theres nothing that can be done about it. I can't take anti-inflammatory because I'm allergic to them, I can't take codine because it makes me drowsy and its probably not save during pregnancy anyway, all I have is some panadol osteo that's not working! Waa.From memory with Sophitwas around the 18 week mark that the pain stopped, and then started again at 30 weeks.So I still have a long way to go!

7 Weeks 2 Days: That bloody hospital

Second post for the day I know, but this really needs writing while I'm still fuming.

I called imaging this morning to make an appointment and they were less than helpful. The first woman suggested that the only thing I could do is change my doctor's appointment. The second said I could come in and wait for someone to fit me in, but it could be all day. So. I called the Burnie imaging office to see if they could be a bit more helpful, and the lady found me a cancellation at Latrobe. She booked me in and we headed off to the appointment. Key word: appointment.

When we got there the stupid receptionist that I spoke to the second time said they'd given it to someone else and we would just have to wait!! I was mad. I was beyond mad actually, I was damn right pissed off.

Then some other idiot came out to talk about our "complaint" and tried to justify giving away our appointment and just managed to make me even madder still. After waiting with a full bladder (pushing on an already damaged uterus, yeah great) we finally got in - an hour after the appointment time.

I asked about the size of the bleed and she said "well that's not what I'm looking for, its more important to see that the embryo is viable" so I tried to explain calmly that its actually exactly what she should be looking for but what would I know. She then very clearly said "I'll just check you're ovaries and then you can go" Drew heard her say it. I said "What about the baby's heart rate?" and she said that if I was patient she was getting to that! I was gobsmacked that she clearly didn't know what she was supposed to be doing! Then she refused to tell me the size of the bleed until I really started to yell.

So. That's how my morning went. What I managed to weasel out of the bitch is that the heart rate is 122bpm and the bleed has shrunk to less that 1mm. Good news ruined by yet another shitty experience at that bloody hospital!

7 Weeks 2 Days: Heartbeat!!

Yesterday we saw Dr Jensen, but I was so exhausted by the time we got home that I went to bed and slept for 12 hours. I haven't been sleeping since they found the bleed so I definitely needed a bit of a catch up.

Dr Jensen was... eccentric. But in a good way, he put us at ease with his happy manner. As soon as we got there he took us straight though for a ultrasound to check on Coco's heartbeat, and IT'S STILL BEATING. And the gestational age is perfect as well. It was happening all so fast I didn't really have a chance to catch my breath but Dr Jensen was over the moon for us.

So the plan of attack now is that I'm going to get a full ultrasound done today to measure the size size of the clot and the heart rate. Then I see Dr Naiker on Saturday to get the blood test results, and have our booking in appointment at the North West Private Hospital next Thursday, and back to Jensen the Thursday after. So many appointment! Thank god I'm good with a diary!

I'm starting to believe that this will turn out right. I had a dream Wednesday night that I was holding a beautiful little girl, it was the same dream I had with Sophie.