Second night in a row crying myself to sleep - this time I'm blaming Offspring for a tear jerker of an episode. Patrick's ex putting together a scrap book for her kids to remember their son... I wish that was something I could do for Sophie but there wouldn't be anything to put in it. She somehow knows though that my locket is special, she holds it and says "baby?" and kisses it which is so beautiful. And if she's upset she likes to just sit with me and hold it in her hand.
My pregnancy app tells me I should be setting aside two five-minute blocks a day to "bond" with the baby. "Think about your hopes and dreams for the baby." Since Ollie I've never been able to do that. I would spend hours at a time sitting and thinking about the sort of person Oliver would grow up to be and I thought that was why it hurt so much when we lost him.
I know now that it doesn't matter - I didn't think about Sophie and still the moment I saw her I loved her so fiercely I knew that I would do anything to make her happy. I didn't do it with George and my heart still shattered when we lost him. So I'm doing the opposite of what the app says, and making a conscious effort not to think about the baby's future. Maybe that sounds heartless but its what I need to do for me.
Off to Burnie again today to see Dr Jensen and have another quick scan. I have a feeling that everything is fine - I have morning sickness and I'm so drained and everything like that - but I'm still nervous. I wonder if I'll ever be able to go to a scan without feeling like this?
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