The big scan is tomorrow. We'll hopefully get to find out just how bad this cleft is, and then maybe I can start to work out a real plan. I've been trying to organise and prepare myself, but its hard when I don't know how bad it will be. The feeding is the part that's worrying me the most. I watched Sophie get so sic because she wouldn't suck, I don't want to have to see another baby go through that.
I think it's mainly the thought of the baby needing to be taken away to the special care nursery. They wanted to take Sophie but I refused to have her away from me. I made them bring the heat bed in to my room so I could see her and touch her still. And then if we're in special care there's no way we'll be going home after a couple of days, which is going to make the adjustment so much harder for Sophie too.
I'm off to Doctor Naiker today. I'm supposed to have my mental health review that I've been putting off for weeks. But I know that if I tell him everything that's been going on and how I've been struggling he'll want to put me back on the meds straight away. And I just feel so much more like a failure having to take them.
Sophie needs a good check up too. Pretty sure she has a chest infection, a throat infection and a couple of ear infections. And I have to be a terrible mother and leave her at nanny's tonight because we'll have to leave at 5am tomorrow. I hate leaving her when she's sick.
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