Last night was a rough one. Going through everything to make notes for the obstetrician brought it all back up to the surface and left me feeling more down than I have in a while. I layed in bed thinking about the boys and just wishing I could hold them, and just cried and cried. I don't care if they would have been sick, or if its all for the best or whatever else the insensitive ones want to throw my way, they were my boys and I love them. not loved, love.
While I was in bed I rolled over, and for the first time since we lived here I saw George's star through the bedroom window. This is the biggest star I've ever seen, and it sparkles with a rainbow of colours. I first saw it on the night of mine and Drew's wedding anniversary, which turns out to be around about the same time that George stopped growing.
Maybe it's all in my head, who knows, but seeing it last night calmed me down enough to sleep.
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
6 Weeks 6 Days: Cautiously Optomistic
I don't want to jinx anything. This happens every time, I get some bad news, and I convince myself that its OK only to end up in tears. But I feel good. I have morning sickness, I'm peeing heaps, and I haven't had a single cramp since Sunday.
I called Dr Jensen's office today to make my appointment. His receptionist sounds lovely, and she has squeezed us in on Thursday afternoon. I don't have to have the scan at the hospital now because he'll do it in his room. Just having that worry lifted is a big thing. I can't take anymore bad news from that place.
So now I'll go through all of the paperwork I have from the two miscarriages and try and make as many detailed notes as I can for Dr Jensen, and hopefully he will be just as lovely as his receptionist and everything will be OK again.
I want this baby so bad, even if I have been trying to convince myself that I didn't care.
I called Dr Jensen's office today to make my appointment. His receptionist sounds lovely, and she has squeezed us in on Thursday afternoon. I don't have to have the scan at the hospital now because he'll do it in his room. Just having that worry lifted is a big thing. I can't take anymore bad news from that place.
So now I'll go through all of the paperwork I have from the two miscarriages and try and make as many detailed notes as I can for Dr Jensen, and hopefully he will be just as lovely as his receptionist and everything will be OK again.
I want this baby so bad, even if I have been trying to convince myself that I didn't care.
Monday, 28 May 2012
6 Weeks 5 Days: Busy Day in Baby Land
What a day today has been!
It started this morning when I tried to get my blood tests done... after being in the collection room for over half an hour, and having a needle poking around my arm for 8 minutes, they gave up. I have to try again tomorrow. I have some of the worst veins you'll ever see I think, and I want to have my HCG checked weekly! This could be quite an adventure.
On the way home from the pathology lab I got a phone call from the Antenatal Clinic at the Mersey. They want to move my appointment another 2 weeks back, which would put me at almost 14 weeks before I saw them. I pointed out that it was unacceptable given that my GP wanted me seen immediately, and frankly I was very unimpressed that one of their doctors had told me I was being ridiculous and I got brushed off yet again. So they can stick their appointment and their clinic up their bums.
Just got home from seeing Dr Naiker and he has put me in a much better mood thank god. I asked him about the blood thinners and he doesn't want to start them yet because it's a small bleed and sometimes the blood thinners can make a small bleed worse. So he's referring us on to Dr Jensen in Burnie, and he'll be able to look at the treatment options for us.
He's sending the referral today and I have to call tomorrow to see when I can get in to his private rooms. Gulp. That will be expensive. After that though we'll see him at the Burnie hospital so it will be covered by medicare.
What's on the agenda this week? Take 2 of the blood tests tomorrow, ultrasound on Thursday, and back to Dr Naiker on Saturday for the results. Fingers crossed everything is still OK in there. And all this while I start 2 new uni classes this week.
It started this morning when I tried to get my blood tests done... after being in the collection room for over half an hour, and having a needle poking around my arm for 8 minutes, they gave up. I have to try again tomorrow. I have some of the worst veins you'll ever see I think, and I want to have my HCG checked weekly! This could be quite an adventure.
On the way home from the pathology lab I got a phone call from the Antenatal Clinic at the Mersey. They want to move my appointment another 2 weeks back, which would put me at almost 14 weeks before I saw them. I pointed out that it was unacceptable given that my GP wanted me seen immediately, and frankly I was very unimpressed that one of their doctors had told me I was being ridiculous and I got brushed off yet again. So they can stick their appointment and their clinic up their bums.
Just got home from seeing Dr Naiker and he has put me in a much better mood thank god. I asked him about the blood thinners and he doesn't want to start them yet because it's a small bleed and sometimes the blood thinners can make a small bleed worse. So he's referring us on to Dr Jensen in Burnie, and he'll be able to look at the treatment options for us.
He's sending the referral today and I have to call tomorrow to see when I can get in to his private rooms. Gulp. That will be expensive. After that though we'll see him at the Burnie hospital so it will be covered by medicare.
What's on the agenda this week? Take 2 of the blood tests tomorrow, ultrasound on Thursday, and back to Dr Naiker on Saturday for the results. Fingers crossed everything is still OK in there. And all this while I start 2 new uni classes this week.
Sunday, 27 May 2012
6 Weeks 4 Days: A Song
6 Weeks 4 Days: Pain
Today the cramps have started for real. My entire middle feels like its being squeezed by a giant, and its hurting. And with each cramp it tears at my heart too because I know what this means. This is what happened with George. The pains were unbelievable. I don't want to do this again. I don't even know if I CAN do it again.
I'm making an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow to see why we cant try blood thinners, even though I think it might be too late. And we have another scan on Thursday. I don't know how to get through that to be honest. It's at the hospital again - every time I have a scan there it ends in disaster.
I just wish someone could fix this...
I'm making an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow to see why we cant try blood thinners, even though I think it might be too late. And we have another scan on Thursday. I don't know how to get through that to be honest. It's at the hospital again - every time I have a scan there it ends in disaster.
I just wish someone could fix this...
Friday, 25 May 2012
6 Weeks 2 Days: And the cracks begin to appear
Imagine that you find yourself pregnant for the fourth time,
and your doctor is telling you that you have a subchronic haemorrhage, which is
exactly what happened in that first fateful pregnancy. Imagine that he sends
you out to the hospital to speak with an obstetrician, because he knows that it’s
out of his league. Now imagine that that obstetrician sits at his desk and
tells you that he can’t see why you are so upset. There’s no need to be crying
and shaking and so scared that you can barely breathe, because for now the embryo is still viable. You’re making a fuss
again. Imagine that, and maybe you’ll understand why, just for today, I’d very
much like for who or whatever is in charge of this life to shoot themself in
the head.
6 Weeks 2 Days: The Big Moment
So we had our first ultrasound yesterday. I have to confess that I was a mess beforehand - headache, shaking, couldn't swallow... Shouldn't it be a good thing having that first scan?
When the guy came out to get us and he was the same one that did the scan with George my legs almost went out from underneath me. I wanted to ask for someone else, but frankly I think I might be running out of sonographers.
I settled myself up on the bed,l and he said something about my bladder not being full. I thought to myself, yeah, this guy has never been pregnant. It was good to be a bit crabby with him, it took my mind of things for a little bit.
He finally got to it, and was crapping on about bladders and pelvises and uterus's - couldn't he tell that there was only one thing we wanted to see? Next thing I knew though I was hearing the baby's heart beat and I couldn't breath. I actually let out a sob.
We have a very viable pregnancy. Coco's heart rate is 110bpm, which I've googled (of course) and that's really good. There was no mention of any sunchronic hemorrhages, no cysts, just a perfect looking little embryo.
Gestational age was a big worry factor for me too. The first sign we had with George was that his GA was a week and a half behind what it should have been. This time? GA is 5 weeks 6 days, so only 2 days off, which is pretty much bang on really.
So all of this positive news. Doesn't mean I'm feeling good though. I'm feeling better but not good. I can't relax just yet. It's sometime over the next two weeks that things will go wrong if they're going to, so I still need to keep it together for a little bit.
Today we're off to Dr Naiker again.He'll go through the scan, and I guess tell me where we go from here. I want to do a blood test at 8 weeks just to check my hormone levels, and then have a scan at 13 weeks.
When the guy came out to get us and he was the same one that did the scan with George my legs almost went out from underneath me. I wanted to ask for someone else, but frankly I think I might be running out of sonographers.
I settled myself up on the bed,l and he said something about my bladder not being full. I thought to myself, yeah, this guy has never been pregnant. It was good to be a bit crabby with him, it took my mind of things for a little bit.
He finally got to it, and was crapping on about bladders and pelvises and uterus's - couldn't he tell that there was only one thing we wanted to see? Next thing I knew though I was hearing the baby's heart beat and I couldn't breath. I actually let out a sob.
We have a very viable pregnancy. Coco's heart rate is 110bpm, which I've googled (of course) and that's really good. There was no mention of any sunchronic hemorrhages, no cysts, just a perfect looking little embryo.
Gestational age was a big worry factor for me too. The first sign we had with George was that his GA was a week and a half behind what it should have been. This time? GA is 5 weeks 6 days, so only 2 days off, which is pretty much bang on really.
So all of this positive news. Doesn't mean I'm feeling good though. I'm feeling better but not good. I can't relax just yet. It's sometime over the next two weeks that things will go wrong if they're going to, so I still need to keep it together for a little bit.
Today we're off to Dr Naiker again.He'll go through the scan, and I guess tell me where we go from here. I want to do a blood test at 8 weeks just to check my hormone levels, and then have a scan at 13 weeks.
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
6 Weeks 0 Days: Being rational
Yesterday I had a mini freak out. Today I'm reminding myself not to panic.
Yesterday: Horrible pain in my abdomen. I wasn't a cramp,just an ache that was coming from the middle of my back and around to my tummy and down my legs.
Today: Massive morning sickness - I think I might chuck my coffee. And my boobs are seriously sore.
I've had aches and pains every single pregnancy. With Ollie I was convinced it was ok, I'd read enough material to tell me that early pregnancy comes with some aches that are normal. With Sophie I was convinced that it meant I was losing her. With George I was back to telling myself it was ok. And then those pains turned into cramps and still I ignored them, until a call to the midwifes saw us heading out to the hospital for that fateful scan.
Ultrasound tomorrow. Maybe it will set my mind at ease at little after all.
Yesterday: Horrible pain in my abdomen. I wasn't a cramp,just an ache that was coming from the middle of my back and around to my tummy and down my legs.
Today: Massive morning sickness - I think I might chuck my coffee. And my boobs are seriously sore.
I've had aches and pains every single pregnancy. With Ollie I was convinced it was ok, I'd read enough material to tell me that early pregnancy comes with some aches that are normal. With Sophie I was convinced that it meant I was losing her. With George I was back to telling myself it was ok. And then those pains turned into cramps and still I ignored them, until a call to the midwifes saw us heading out to the hospital for that fateful scan.
Ultrasound tomorrow. Maybe it will set my mind at ease at little after all.
Monday, 21 May 2012
5 Weeks 5 Days: Ultraounds
Today I'm thinking about ultrasounds. Since the first pregnancy I've had 21 of the things so I'm getting to be quite the expert. But are the people that are doing them?
I've had early scans with the last 3 pregnancies, and I'm having another one on Thursday. With Ollie they detected a subchronic hematoma, but they said everything should be ok if I took it easy and rested. That was at about 6 weeks, two weeks later I miscarried.
With Sophie the 6 week scan was perfect. Then at her 18 week scan she was a week and a half smaller than she should have been. Then at 24 weeks she was 6 weeks smaller than she should have been. 15 scans later and she was staying 6 weeks behind. She was born at a normal healthy weight, even though the last scan was a day before she was delivered.
With George, everything seemed ok. Except that the measurements put my dates back by a week, even though that was impossible. 6 weeks later... you know what happened.
So what can I really expect at this scan? If things look good that's no indication that it will be ok.
I've had early scans with the last 3 pregnancies, and I'm having another one on Thursday. With Ollie they detected a subchronic hematoma, but they said everything should be ok if I took it easy and rested. That was at about 6 weeks, two weeks later I miscarried.
With Sophie the 6 week scan was perfect. Then at her 18 week scan she was a week and a half smaller than she should have been. Then at 24 weeks she was 6 weeks smaller than she should have been. 15 scans later and she was staying 6 weeks behind. She was born at a normal healthy weight, even though the last scan was a day before she was delivered.
With George, everything seemed ok. Except that the measurements put my dates back by a week, even though that was impossible. 6 weeks later... you know what happened.
So what can I really expect at this scan? If things look good that's no indication that it will be ok.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
5 Weeks 3 Days: I'm pissed off
Had a mini meltdown last night. You remember that referral that Dr Naiker was sending to the Antenatal clinic to get me in straight away... pfft. I got the appointment letter in the mail last night - it will be 6 Weeks until I see them, and it will be with a midwife not the doctors.
What the hell? The whole point of getting me in to their care straight away was so that they could monitor my progress and pick up on any problems quickly. By the time I finally see some one we'll be through the danger zone.
I'm feeling very emotional about it all. No doubt that's mostly hormones but still, if these people did there jobs like they were supposed to I wouldn' have a reason to cry myself to sleep.
I swear if I carry a baby that stopped growing 5 weeks before they find out again I'm going to make them pay. That hospital is a joke.
What the hell? The whole point of getting me in to their care straight away was so that they could monitor my progress and pick up on any problems quickly. By the time I finally see some one we'll be through the danger zone.
I'm feeling very emotional about it all. No doubt that's mostly hormones but still, if these people did there jobs like they were supposed to I wouldn' have a reason to cry myself to sleep.
I swear if I carry a baby that stopped growing 5 weeks before they find out again I'm going to make them pay. That hospital is a joke.
Friday, 18 May 2012
5 Weeks 2 Days: Confession
Here's something I've never told anyone: With both miscarraiges I've had a dream on the day that we lost the babies. I dreamed that I was losing them. And then the next day with Ollie and a few weeks later with George, I discovered that it had come true.
I don't beleive in preminitions or ghosts or fairies or anything like that.
But how do you ignore something like that? On the same note I also had a few dreams from around the 12 week mark with Sophie - I dreamed that she was a girl.
Can a mother have such a deep connection with their baby? Or is it all hocus pocus?
I dreamed two nights ago that I was bleeding....
I don't beleive in preminitions or ghosts or fairies or anything like that.
But how do you ignore something like that? On the same note I also had a few dreams from around the 12 week mark with Sophie - I dreamed that she was a girl.
Can a mother have such a deep connection with their baby? Or is it all hocus pocus?
I dreamed two nights ago that I was bleeding....
Thursday, 17 May 2012
5 Weeks 1 Day: I want to feel better now please!
Day three of this stupid virus, and day four of the dizzy spells... so very over it now! My head is so blocked up and I feel like crap! Not to mention the fever which is a worry. I had a fever last time before I lost George. Just have to not think about that.
Drew's happy - I've gained almost two cup sizes this week lol. Boobs are seriously sore, I actually woke up last night when I rolled over in bed because they were hurting so much! I've had to raid mum's bra drawer until I feel good enough to get down to Kmart and buy some bigger sizes. And I was so proud of my 14C's!
On the other hand, it's a great sign that things are still doing what they should. I did another test a couple of days ago because the morning sickness has disappeared since I got sick, and the second little pink line showed up immediately so the hormones are obviously still going up. I just have to stop worrying that things are going to go wrong. How do I do that though?!
Almost had a slip up this morning - I was trying to post a photo in a private group on facebook, and the caption would have given away my secret "condition" straight away. And because I'm an idiot, I was uploading it to my profile rather than the group! So I was frantically trying to shut my phone down and stop the upload (didn't work) and then finally found a setting to cancel current uploads! Aye Aye Aye! I can't wait until week 13 to finally let the cat out of the bag!
Drew's happy - I've gained almost two cup sizes this week lol. Boobs are seriously sore, I actually woke up last night when I rolled over in bed because they were hurting so much! I've had to raid mum's bra drawer until I feel good enough to get down to Kmart and buy some bigger sizes. And I was so proud of my 14C's!
On the other hand, it's a great sign that things are still doing what they should. I did another test a couple of days ago because the morning sickness has disappeared since I got sick, and the second little pink line showed up immediately so the hormones are obviously still going up. I just have to stop worrying that things are going to go wrong. How do I do that though?!
Almost had a slip up this morning - I was trying to post a photo in a private group on facebook, and the caption would have given away my secret "condition" straight away. And because I'm an idiot, I was uploading it to my profile rather than the group! So I was frantically trying to shut my phone down and stop the upload (didn't work) and then finally found a setting to cancel current uploads! Aye Aye Aye! I can't wait until week 13 to finally let the cat out of the bag!
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
4 Weeks 6 Days: Sick!
Gah. Spent the last two days feeling super light headed and dizzy. Feel like I might pass out if I move. Not helped much by miss Sophie being so sick, and Dr Naiker thinks I'm probably getting what she has. Well, I woke up with a seriously yuck throat and chest so I'd say yes. Planning on spending another day on the couch today.
Sunday, 13 May 2012
4 Weeks 4 days: Mother's Day.
It's a bit of a double edged sword today. One one hand I get beautiful cuddles from my darling little Sophie (and a new pressure cooker!)... on the other hand... I can't help thinking about the boys. So just a little bit sad today while I remember the babies that never got to meet their mummy.
Saturday, 12 May 2012
4 Weeks 3 Days: Blood Results
Great news from Dr Naiker today! All of my blood screens are perfect :)
HCG: 553 (norm is between 9 and 750 at this stage)
Blood sugar: 4.9 (perfect)
Kidney function is clear, which means there are no infections lurking like last time. And best of all, clotting factor is bang on. The last gyny we saw thought that my clotting fact might have been reduced and that was causing our problems. She put me on a Mega B Complex and Vitamin D supplements in February to try and get it under control, so it looks like it might have worked!
Dr Naiker has referred us straight through to the Antenatal Clinic (usually this happens at about 12 weeks) so we will be in the care of the obstetrics team from as early as next week. Hopefully that means that they can pick up any issues straight away and I won't be left carrying a dead baby for 5 weeks before anyone notices anything.
Blood pressure was 120/70 on Thursday, and 120/80 today so that's good too.
Back to Dr Naiker on the 25th to check in after the scan, and check how I'm doing after coming of the antidepressants.
I think I feel good about this whole thing.... don't want to jinx it though....
HCG: 553 (norm is between 9 and 750 at this stage)
Blood sugar: 4.9 (perfect)
Kidney function is clear, which means there are no infections lurking like last time. And best of all, clotting factor is bang on. The last gyny we saw thought that my clotting fact might have been reduced and that was causing our problems. She put me on a Mega B Complex and Vitamin D supplements in February to try and get it under control, so it looks like it might have worked!
Dr Naiker has referred us straight through to the Antenatal Clinic (usually this happens at about 12 weeks) so we will be in the care of the obstetrics team from as early as next week. Hopefully that means that they can pick up any issues straight away and I won't be left carrying a dead baby for 5 weeks before anyone notices anything.
Blood pressure was 120/70 on Thursday, and 120/80 today so that's good too.
Back to Dr Naiker on the 25th to check in after the scan, and check how I'm doing after coming of the antidepressants.
I think I feel good about this whole thing.... don't want to jinx it though....
Thursday, 10 May 2012
4 Weeks 1 Day: Off to the Doctor
Been to the doctor today. Don't know if he picked up on my anxiety or if he is just as concerned as I am, but he didn't bother with congratulations this time around. He's ordered blood tests to check my HCG levels, and he's hoping to have them back on Saturday in time for my next appointment. He also wants a scan done in two weeks. You'd think I'd be looking forward to the scan as a way to calm my nerves but I'm not. The thing is, with both Ollie and George that first scan was fine. It was only after that that things started going wrong. So I'm still not going to feel OK until we hit the second trimester.
He has also given us a letter to take into Housing to get their act into gear and find us a house. It's been 12 weeks of waiting after they said 6 to 8 weeks, so they're really dragging their feet. This should be the kick up the bum they need hopefully. And on the plus side we'll get a three bedroom rather than a two. There's always a silver lining!
The other thing doc wants is for me to stop taking my antidepressants. I'm nervous about it, but I know that ultimately it will be better for the baby if I don't take them. Better for the baby. Shit. This is really happening isn't it?
I read a really great book last night. It's called "Days Like These" and it tells the story of Kristian Anderson's battle with cancer. It was so moving and his undying faith in his god gave me a tiny bit of strength. I'm not a religious person myself, and I've always found it hard to understand how "god" could let all of these bad things happen in life. But Kristian saw it a different way. He saw the cancer as not being something god gave him, but something god was helping him to fight. It was an interesting perspective.
So I'm trying to find the good things in life today, the things to be positive about. And with a bit of luck that will get me through the next few weeks.
He has also given us a letter to take into Housing to get their act into gear and find us a house. It's been 12 weeks of waiting after they said 6 to 8 weeks, so they're really dragging their feet. This should be the kick up the bum they need hopefully. And on the plus side we'll get a three bedroom rather than a two. There's always a silver lining!
The other thing doc wants is for me to stop taking my antidepressants. I'm nervous about it, but I know that ultimately it will be better for the baby if I don't take them. Better for the baby. Shit. This is really happening isn't it?
I read a really great book last night. It's called "Days Like These" and it tells the story of Kristian Anderson's battle with cancer. It was so moving and his undying faith in his god gave me a tiny bit of strength. I'm not a religious person myself, and I've always found it hard to understand how "god" could let all of these bad things happen in life. But Kristian saw it a different way. He saw the cancer as not being something god gave him, but something god was helping him to fight. It was an interesting perspective.
So I'm trying to find the good things in life today, the things to be positive about. And with a bit of luck that will get me through the next few weeks.
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
4 Weeks 0 Days: In the beginning
I was on the pill after the last miscarriage while we waited for the doctors to work out what was wrong with me. But the hormones were doing crazy things to me - I had a face full of pimples that would suit a 13-year-old, and an appetite that was hard to keep up with. I made the decision to stop taking them, and just be careful instead. That was pretty stupid.
Last week I noticed that I was feeling sick a lot. At first I thought that maybe I was getting a tummy bug, but then I checked my ovulation calendar and my heart sunk. I knew it was too early to test, so I had to keep my suspicions under wraps for a few days. On Saturday my curiosity got the better of me, and I bought an early pregnancy test from the supermarket.
To start with I thought it was negative. Then I thought maybe I was imagining the faint pink line in the results window. But I wasn't. I told my husband the news and we decided to wait a few days to test again - my period wasn't due until Wednesday.
I wasn't so much freaking out at this stage than just feeling like I'd been run over by a bus. I'd only just got my mind back into a good place, could I really handle another disaster?
I did another test yesterday (and again this morning) and it's confirmed: I'm pregnant. I'm still a bit numb about it all, and I think it will take a few weeks for me to come around to the idea. I have an appointment with Dr Naiker tomorrow to see what he can do to keep me calm, because I know that worrying will only increase my risks of miscarriage. I also need to know if I have to come off my antidepressants.
For now I'm going to take it one day at a time. I'm not going to worry about what might happen tomorrow. I AM going to get through this, no matter what happens.
Last week I noticed that I was feeling sick a lot. At first I thought that maybe I was getting a tummy bug, but then I checked my ovulation calendar and my heart sunk. I knew it was too early to test, so I had to keep my suspicions under wraps for a few days. On Saturday my curiosity got the better of me, and I bought an early pregnancy test from the supermarket.
To start with I thought it was negative. Then I thought maybe I was imagining the faint pink line in the results window. But I wasn't. I told my husband the news and we decided to wait a few days to test again - my period wasn't due until Wednesday.
I wasn't so much freaking out at this stage than just feeling like I'd been run over by a bus. I'd only just got my mind back into a good place, could I really handle another disaster?
I did another test yesterday (and again this morning) and it's confirmed: I'm pregnant. I'm still a bit numb about it all, and I think it will take a few weeks for me to come around to the idea. I have an appointment with Dr Naiker tomorrow to see what he can do to keep me calm, because I know that worrying will only increase my risks of miscarriage. I also need to know if I have to come off my antidepressants.
For now I'm going to take it one day at a time. I'm not going to worry about what might happen tomorrow. I AM going to get through this, no matter what happens.
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