I was on the pill after the last miscarriage while we waited for the doctors to work out what was wrong with me. But the hormones were doing crazy things to me - I had a face full of pimples that would suit a 13-year-old, and an appetite that was hard to keep up with. I made the decision to stop taking them, and just be careful instead. That was pretty stupid.
Last week I noticed that I was feeling sick a lot. At first I thought that maybe I was getting a tummy bug, but then I checked my ovulation calendar and my heart sunk. I knew it was too early to test, so I had to keep my suspicions under wraps for a few days. On Saturday my curiosity got the better of me, and I bought an early pregnancy test from the supermarket.
To start with I thought it was negative. Then I thought maybe I was imagining the faint pink line in the results window. But I wasn't. I told my husband the news and we decided to wait a few days to test again - my period wasn't due until Wednesday.
I wasn't so much freaking out at this stage than just feeling like I'd been run over by a bus. I'd only just got my mind back into a good place, could I really handle another disaster?
I did another test yesterday (and again this morning) and it's confirmed: I'm pregnant. I'm still a bit numb about it all, and I think it will take a few weeks for me to come around to the idea. I have an appointment with Dr Naiker tomorrow to see what he can do to keep me calm, because I know that worrying will only increase my risks of miscarriage. I also need to know if I have to come off my antidepressants.
For now I'm going to take it one day at a time. I'm not going to worry about what might happen tomorrow. I AM going to get through this, no matter what happens.
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