37 Weeks 3 Days: The Nusery

I've been meaning to post up some photos of the finished nursery since around 33 weeks but I keep forgetting about it! So here we go, the room is finally finished...

I thought it would have been an easy job given that we moved in to a fresh house, but apparently that room become the dumping ground for everything that didn't belong in any of the other rooms, and the first major task was to empty it out.

Then it was a matter of cleaning up the furniture that we'd used with Sophie, recovering the old dressing table that we'd had in our room with some fresh contact, and reusing the old pantry cupboard. The end result looks great though and was well worth the effort to put together a cosy little sanctuary for our little princess. 

Now all we need is the little princess to go with it!

37 weeks 2 days: waiting, waiting

Well haven't I been a bit slack with the updates. Its been so busy this last week, with george's anniversary and then christmas I feel like I haven't had a chance to scratch my nose!

Everything is going fine pregnancy wise. Our c section has been scheduled (date to remain a secret though!) and now we're counting down the days. Not long now but it cant really come soon enough as far as my body is concerned!

I've been getting between 3 and 5 hours of broken sleep a night for a week now. If i'm not tossing and turning trying to get comfortable i'm getting up to pee. And the back pain! As well as the normal pregnancy lowet back ache my siatic nerve keeps pinching which i've never had before and will be more than happy to never see again! Throw in a relapse of the hip dysplasia and some restless legs and my body is well and truely over it all!

There has been a few hopeful signs though. My braxton hicks are getting more frequent and i'm having a lot more period type pain too. My mucus plug started coming away christmas day, so who knows, bub could surprise us any day I guess.

I thought that by this point my anxiety would have peaked and i'd be nervous or scared, but I actually feel really calm. I'm not worrying any more about the cleft or any other complications, I just really want to meet my baby girl and hold her tight. I finally realised that none of the other stuff matters.

We had a five second consult with the anethistist this morning, very straight forward as we already no what to expect and how my body should react. Next appointment is just with the midwives next week so we have a pretty cruisy run to the end after all the drama up to this point!

36 weeks 1 day: rememberance

12 months ago today I finally decided that the cramps i'd been having for the past 5 days weren't right and called the maternity ward. I was 13 weeks pregnant, and they suggested I come in to emergency to get checked out.

Even when the emergency department doctor couldnt find a heartbeat on the scan I wasn't worried. It was christmas time, nothing bad was going to happen to ruin my favourite holiday.

I remember more about that day than the day we lost oliver, but its all still quite hazy. For example I dont remember if I started bleeding before or after the official ultrasound that showed george had stopped growing at 8 weeks and 6 days. I dont remember what I said or what I did afterwards, or waiting for mum and Drew to come out to emergency. They were just suddenly there.

What I do remember is feeling really empty. I wasnt in denial like I had been the first time, and I knew what was in front of us.

I dont really remember what happened after that. People came to see us and say how sorry they were. I remember the antenatal clinic called the next day and I had to tell them we'd lost the baby. Mostly I think I just sat around lost in my own world.

It was the end of something so important to us, but it was also a begining too. It was the begining of me falling apart. The last 12 months have been the worst of my life. In a lot of ways I wish i'd been able to block it all out and hide like I did with oliver.

Its been so hard to move past this one. And just like the first time I had to go and get myself pregnant only a few months later, while I was still a really big mess. Did I cause this baby's problems with the stress and the guilt? I'll never know.

One thing I keep thinking on is this: with both of our losses we've been told there's nothing we could have done, the baby was obviously sick and we deserved a perfect baby not a sick one. Hmph. Hard to swallow that when we're being presented with what we're about to face now. Who exactly gets to decide that we cant handle oliver or george but that this baby is ok?

The fact is I would have loved him no matter what, just like i'll love our little girl when she arrives in a few weeks. But instead of getting that chance I instead get to remember a baby I never met, never held, never got the chance to protect from this horrible world we live in.

Mummy loves you george. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.

35 weeks 2 days: the final scan and some aches and pains

Yesterday's scan should be our last little look at our princess before she arrives. She is growing spot on, although its hard to get a decent look at anything at this stage because her bones are so thick. But she's only measuring a day ahead of schedule and there's no problems jumping out.

She didnt have that hand in front of her face for once (which cost me a $10 bet hehe) but her head is so lodged in my pelvis that its too hard to get a good look. She is well and truely engaged and ready to go once she finishes growing. They did get one look at her and she was poking her tongue through the hole in her lip. Very cute if you ask me but i'm biased!

So i've made it to 35 weeks. Have to say, wasn't too sure we'd get this far in the begining. So you'd think i'd be greatful and happy about everything, but the level of pain and discomfort lately is throwing a bit of a spanner in that plan! I woke up 8 times last night with screaming pain in my back. I think I wake up tireder lately than I am when i go to sleep! And the almost constant period pain is a bit of a worry too. If things go alright with doctor hingston next week i'll remember to mention it to her.

I cant believe this is probably my last pregnancy and its almost over. How can time go so slowly but fly by at the same time?!

35 weeks 1 day: frustrated doesnt begin to cut it

I think I have calmed down enough now after tuesday's appointment to be able to write about it now!

We went to what was suposed to be an appointment with doctor hingston. I was planning to ask a few questions about what will happen imediately after bub is born, and get the c section booked in. it was going to be a nice easy appointment and answer the rest of my questions so I can relax and wait out the next few weeks in relative peace. Didnt happen though.

The doctor that came and got us was not doctor hingston. He was some young guy i'd never seen before and could barely understand. He sat there in silence flicking through my file, telling me things I already knew and asking questions we'd already covered. But I figured its ok, whatever, cant always get the good ones.

I asked my questions and he couldnt answer them. He was even more off hand about it than that bloody idiot registrar in hobart was! Then it.was time to book the c section and he started talking about a date completely different to the one we were given months ago at our booking in appointment! I said no way, we were told a date and we made plans for the date. So he left and came back with doctor hingstons registrar, kym.

She started in about how its unsafe to deliver a baby at 38 weeks. Which is ridiculous and I told her as much. She kept on and on, saying I was endangering the baby by wanting it done and blah blah blah, even actually called me irrational! I ended up walking out when it became painfully clear that no one was listening to me and I was just getting more and more upset. Drew stayed behind and arranged for us to actually see doctor hingston on tuesday.

I spent the rest of the afternoon crying uncontrolably. I cant believe.how ridiculous the whole thing is. They jusy would not listen to a word I had to say, and everytime I shot down one of their arguements they'd all just get more stroppy. I'm not putting my baby at risk! If she is delivered the day we were told she would be, she'll be a day earlier than.sophie. Woo. She'll be full term and fine!

You would think that when you have a mother suffering depression, anxiety and ocd, who's facing aassive challenge with this baby already that you'd be trying to keep her calm and make thing easier! But when I tried to explain this they just started threatening not to release her in to my care when she's born because i'm "clearly" not coping! I cope just fine when people arent trying toake things harder thank you!

I know that I have a huge journey ahead, and thats why I make plans and get my head around certain dates and milestones, so that i'll be mentally prepared to cope. Thats the way I do it. And if im allowed to do that i'll cope just fine, but if they keep trying to knock me off my feet I have no hope.

It just feels like yet another thing that is completely going wrong and out of my control. I've tried to do everything I can for this baby, and everytime something is screwed up it just feels like a personal attack! I just want one thing to work out the way its suposed to!

Yesterday things went a little smoother. We met with the lactation consultant who is also the nursing unit manager, and she was amazing. If I decide to lodge a complaint about tuesday she will help us, and she said to call her anytime if we have and questions or worries.

She has organised for me to have a private room without me even.having to voice my anxieties about sharing with other babies. She said we will be set up in there as indipendently as can be, so I wont have to ask for help everytime I need to do something and wont be bothered by the coming and going of other mums and bubs especially while ours is in special care.

She gave me a whole heap of information about what bottles to get, and the name and number of a lady on the coast who will be able to help us out with feeding issues along the way. So I feel a bit more in control on the feeding side of things now.

I'm still really mad about the bloody doctors though. I know that if my date changes it will be ok, I just cant believe how unreasonable they are. Hopefully next week doctor hingston will actually listen to me.

We're having our last scan today. Last chance to get a look at our little girl before she's here in our arms... Whenever that might be!

34 weeks 3 days: the cutest big sister

I was watching Sophie sitting on the floor playing with my old dolly from when I was her age. She was sitting there, kissing her, hugging her, rocking her and saying "love you baby, kiss kiss, love you". I've never actually seen her be so gentle with a toy and it brought tears to my eyes.

I know that a new baby in the house, and one that needs the extra attention that coco will need, is going to be a big adjustment for her. She's had mummy and daddy to herself for two and a half years, more so than most kids even because she's been so sick and needed so much extra attention. So it will be a tough few weeks for her as she learns to share.

On thursday I took her into town for some mummy and sophie time. We walked around the shops and went to the library and had afternoon tea. It was fun, and i'm hoping that once the baby is home drew will be able to watch bub for an hour or so every now and then so we can make it a regular thing.

33 weeks 5 days: argh the dreams!

Wow these pregnancy dreams just get crazier and crazier! I've been dreaming about our little bub arriving for a few weeks now, some times good dreams and some times terrifying nightmares! Last night I was waking up every 10 minutes dreaming that I was in labour. I gave up on sleep at 6am after i'd gotten up to pee for the 6th time and couldn't handle anymore imaginary birth!

I have this funny feeling that bub will decide to arrive before our csection date... I don't know if its a mothers intuition thing or just because nothing has gone wrong for a couple of weeks and i'm expecting to pay for the quiet time!

Here's a belly shot for today. Not a lot of room left in there for the little one to grow by the looks of things!

33 weeks 0 days: insulin and special care

As predicted, the diabetes team started me on overnight insulin yesterday. My daytime levels are fine and dont need any help, but because i'm fairly consistently over 5.0 for my fasting test I need the insulin shot of a night. Its not too bad, no where near as bad as I thought anyway! I cant even feel the needle going in, and there's not long left to go anyway.

The dietitician was annoying. She is one of those skinny people who thinks that if you're overweight you must be an idiot. She's sitting there lecturing me on carbs and nutrition and giving me the dirtiest looks when I tried to explain that I knew all of that and do actually eat well. She did shut up when the diabetes educator told her my diet is obviously fine!

Then I had to be weighed.... That really pissed her off too i'm sure when she realised i've actually lost more weight! So far i've gained 3kg for the whole pregnancy, but bub is growing nicely and i'm not getting sick or anything so obviously i'm doing something right. About time!

The midwife appointment was only to check that they hadnt missed anything up to this point. I asked about the special care question, and she said that as soon as I can move my legs off the side of the bed and get into a wheelchair i'll be able to go in and see her. And in the meantime drew or another family member can be with her.

I feel better knowing I wont have to wait a whole night to see her. Whether i'll be able to hold her or not is another thing, but as long as I can see her and touch her that will be enough. And I'm starting to get excited at that idea again now. She'll be here before we know it!

32 weeks 6 days: no word from surgeon

Its been almost 3 weeks since I sent our letter and questions off to the surgeon in the hope of getting some answers before bub arrives. Still haven't heard anything though. I understand that he's a busy man (obviously as he cant make it to his own appointments) but I wouldn't think it would take too long to type out a letter or make a quick phone call.

Speaking of surgeons, sophie has been scheduled for her andnoidectomy within the next 3 months. This is great because it will mean its out of the way before bub has her first operation. We had a bit of talk about all these surgeries last night and I decided I cant take them in. it will be too hard for me to hold my babies and watch them go so limp and lifeless from the anethestic, so drew will be taking that job. I'll be the terrified mummy thinking the worst until her babies come back to her safe and sound!

Today we're off to the midwife again and the diabetes clinic. Well, me and sophie are, drew has to work again. I think its about the 3rd appointment in a row he's had to miss thanks to work, but he was starting to cope a bit of attitude about all the time off lately and I feel guilty about that. Poor thing's trying his hardest to be everywhere at once and make enough money to support us, and I can see how exhusted he is lately. He needs this weekend away just as much as I do this week!

32 weeks 5 days: food poisoning and exhustion

Last week I was gifted with a bout of good ol' food poisoning. Not fun at the best of times, but when you have a little one already sucking all the goodness out of you it really takes its toll! I felt like crap for three days straight, nauesea, cramping, tiredness. Not fun at all. That'll teach me to be adventureous with my menu choices!

My body has reached the point where i'm sure it cant take anymore. My belly is stretched so far it cant possibly stretch any further, and sleep is next to impossible now as bub kicks and my ligaments pull no matter which way I lay. I'm just constantly uncomfortable. Morning sickness is back too, every morning without fail there I am in the toilet.

This week we're back off to the midwife and the diabetes clinic. I want to know what the plan will be for me seeing and holding bub if she's sent to special care and my epidural takes its time to wear off. I'm not waiting until the next day, I dont care what the normal procedure might be for moving after a c section. Drew and I talked about it a little yesterday and if she's going to spend her first night in special care then we'll send sophie home with bec and he will stay at the hospital so he can sit with her. At least she wont be alone and scared that way and i'll know that she's being looked after.

Diabetes clinic will be fun. My fasting levels are still too high on a regular basis, so I wonder if i'll be put on nightly insulin shots? My after meals levels are fine though so thats not an issue.

31 Weeks 5 Days: The BabyQ

Saturday's BabyQ was a massive success.

Bec did such an amazing job on everything and we couldn't have asked for a better day celebrating with our friends and family.

Thank you to everyone for the amazing presents too, everything was lovely! We especially loved the bibs everyone decorated on the day for the baby, we'll get plenty of laughs out of them every time we use them (although I think the kids might have more artistic talent than the grown ups!)

 It was really important to us to be able to say thank you to all of the people who stood by us through the loss of George last year and then the complications of this pregnancy.

We wouldn't have made it without their support, and we can't wait to introduce our little coco bean to everyone in a few short weeks!

31 weeks 2 days: no sleep equals no appointment

We were meant to be meeting with the lactation consultant at the hospital this morning at 9am to discuss our feeding plan and work out which one/s of the bottles to start buying. But sophie apparently had other ideas and decided she would get up every half hour between 2am and 6.30am, and I didnt have the heart to wake her or drew after that to make the appointment. So now we have to wait until the 12th of December!

Last night's lack of sleep has really thrown me, I've had 2 naps today and still feel like crap. My belly was so uncomfortable even before I went to sleep last night but today she just feels like she's going to fall right out! Or kick her way out....

Drew said to me the other day "you're staring at your belly again. You're always staring at your belly." And its true. I'm sure sophie didn't move around this much, or at least it wasnt as visable as this one is. My belly is constantly shaking from side to side and there's always some limb poking its way out to look at. At least I can still enjoy that part without any worries!

Drew also found out what was said by the evil cousin. He's beyond angry and its been a struggle to get him to let it go. I've accepted that people like him are a waste of oxygen, but for drew I think its extra personal. Hopefully they wont cross paths any time soon.

Baby shower tomorrow! Well, baby q. We decided to have a barbeque with all of our friends and family to celebrate making it this far and to thank everyone for their support over the last 12 months. Its been such a tough time and we wouldn't have made it through without everyone's support. Especially my sister who is hosting the whole thing! What a star she is!

31 weeks 0 days: antenatal depression.

Surprise surprise, I failed the depression test at the midwives today. When I explained about having depression to begin with and now being unmedicated and dealing with the cleft diagnosis, she said she was quite impressed that my score wasnt worse.

I'm being referred to the postnatal depression team for monitoring now, and I guess they'll decide if I need to start taking my meds again. I'm kind of glad actually that I dont have to make the decision by myself. I keep changing my mind on what I think is best.

30 weeks 4 days: horrible dream

I had the worst dream last night. I went in for my c-section but instead of giving me an epidural they knocked me out without warning me. When I woke up bub was gone and no one would let me see her until she had her first surgery. Now that i'm awake and know it was just a dream I still feel off. Stupid dreams.

30 weeks 4 days: horrible dream

I had the worst dream last night. I went in for my c-section but instead of giving me an epidural they knocked me out without warning me. When I woke up bub was gone and no one would let me see her until she had her first surgery. Now that i'm awake and know it was just a dream I still feel off. Stupid dreams.

30 weeks 2 days: keep your stinkin opinions to yourself thanks

I am still reeling after mum told me today what a cousin said to my nana after she mentioned our diagnosis. Apparently if people keep having "retarded" kids like ours the state will soon be over-run with "retards". I am so, so wild.

My daughter needs corrective surgery to fix something that has no bearing what so ever on her mental abilities. Who the hell does he think he is to say that she doesnt deserve to be born?! He really wants to hope I dont see him any time soon, let alone Drew.

I've been worried about reactions like this since our diagnosis, but I never expected such a heartless, insensitive comment from a family member. All I can say is i'm glad nana put him in his place and told him what for.

29 weeks 6 days: beyond frustrated now

I knew it wasn't going to be a good day, but I never expected it to be quite so hard or so emotional. Which is silly, I know our hospital system well by know, I should have expected and anticipated every single thing that went wrong, I must be losing my touch!

First up we arrive at the NICU. The guy ay reception had no idea we were coming and was a little confused about why it had been organised for that time given that the doctors were doing rounds and we couldn't enter the ward. He asked us to wait but they still weren't finished by the time our plastics appointment rolled around so we said we'd have to come back after the ultrasound.

Down stairs to the specialists clinics. Doctor kimble doesn't have a referral for you, please make sure your gp sends one through." Ok, whatever. We walk into a completely packed waiting room and I know it doesn't look like we'll make our next appointment on time, even though its scheduled for an hour and 15 minutes later.

At 20 minutes until our scan and knowing we still have to get out of the parking complex and across town in lunch time traffic, we're still waiting to be seen.  I called womens imaging and explained to the very kind and lovely receptionist, and she said she would be able to squeeze us in still if we could make it by 1pm, otherwise we would have to come back tomorrow.

By this point my day was just going so wrong, and I was already so tightly wired in anticipation of it all that I just broke down. I was litterally sobbing in the waiting room, make up running all over my face! I was sitting there surrounded by other mothers whose children are at various stages of their treatment, listening to them tell this other newcomer how lucky they all are.

Why is it that I seem to be the only mother tjat doesnt think that this is "lucky"?? I dont give a rats proverbial that it can be repaired! I still have a child that needs surgery, morphine, treatment plans, and so on and so on! What the hell is lucky about that? But of course as soon as I think that I feel guilty all over again for bwing the one mother that sees a burden instead of a blessing! Surely there must be something wrong with me to be the only one who feels like we're getting a raw deal?

Drew went to try and hurry them up, and finally 20 minutes some young girl calling herself a doctor comes to get us, saying that she will answer our questions while the surgeon finishes with his other paitent. She barely looked to be sophie's age but we didn't have much choice, it was already 12pm.

I tried to ask our questions but it was ovious that she was out of her depth. When I asked what the time frame was for the first surgery she initially said 3 months, and then when I said i'd heard of it being done as early as 1 month she agreed and decided that it depends on how the child is developing. Same went for every other question: if I asked her to clarify or said i'd heard different she really didn't know.

One thing that has come up though is the grommets. SOME cleft affected kids have problems with their ears and MIGHT require grommets inserted to help with that. But it seems that the royal hobart takes a far more aggressive approach and actually does the procedure on EVERY child at 6 months. Now there is no way that that is happening in our case. I'm not having them put in when they may not even be needed. Drew certainly didn't have them, and really 6 months is far too young to know if they will be needed or not.

So after she had deflected all of our questions with no answers, the doctor left the room to go and get the surgeon. It was 12.15pm and she assured us he would only be a second. As the minutes ticked away we got more and more ticked off, and finally gave up and left at 12.30pm. We never even got to meet our surgeon.

Another mad dash through town and we arrived at the womens imaging centre with 5 minutes to spare. I apologised so much and the ladies told us not to be silly, they couldn't believe how long we had been made to wait at the hospital, let alone that we didn't even get what we went all that way for in the first place!

After all that the scan went fine. Everything is where it should be and bub isn't measuring big on their machine either so looks like that was just a mistake on regional imaging's part. We couldn't get a look at the cleft because she is covering her face with her hand still, but everything else is perfect so thats all that matters.

Even though we'd said we would go back to the hospital for the NICU, I was in no state to do it by the time the scan was over. I knew that if I walked in there i'd just fall appart again, so instead we went out for lunch on the waterfront (fish and chips lol) and then started thr long journey home.

So all up we started our trip at 8.30 yesterday morning, and made it home at 6.30 tonight, none the wiser and a whole lot more frustrated and alone-feeling. I think i'm going to need a day or two to get over that. I feel completely deflated frankly. And these are the people that are meant to be helping our little girl be normal again.... God help her.

29 weeks 5 days: back to hobart

We're heading off to Hobart again today in preparation for tomorrow's set of appointments. I'm not looking forward to spending a whole day hearing about what's wrong with our daughter. At least the scan will be partly positive because we'll get to see her in detail.

First up we have the nicu tour at the hospital. I've never been to a nicu and I hope its empty when we get there! I dont want to see really sick babies, that'll make me sad! But I do want to be prepared for when bub is in there after her surgery. I know i'll be more prepared to take it in tomorrow than when bub is coming out of the OR.

Straight after that we have our first meeting with the surgeon. Given that there's only the one guy in the whole state its not going to make much difference if we like him or not, but I hope he's nice and understands that i'm loaded up with a million questions. And that I wont sit back and agree with everything he says just because he's a doctor! I'm taking my list of questions, so hopefully by the end of the day we'll have answers to the important things like when the surgeries will be done and how many there will be.

After that we have to jump straight back in the car and race off to make it to our ultrasound appointment. I'm hoping that we can get a full face image this time. They must have taken the shot in the past, but its never been on our discs, and i'd like to see exactly what we're dealing with.

So from 10am through til about 2pm we will be flat out, and then its straight back in the car to come home!

I'm expecting some pretty crappy blood sugar readings over the next 2 days with all the crap you eat while you're travelling but whatever. My levels have been perfect since wednesday anyway, so a day or 2 isn't going to do any damage. Besides, even when they were elevated last week it still wasnt high enough to have been picked up a few months ago before they changed the ratios!

Today we are treating ourselves to some fun before the crap starts. We'll meet up with Bec and Ash for some lunch and mini golf, and then we're going on a dinner cruise around the harbour tonight. I figured we deserved a treat!

29 weeks 1 day: diabetes clinic

I had my booking in appointment with the diabetes clinic yesterday, and got set up with the finger prick stuff and a wad of information. I'm beyond frustrated already though and its only been a day.

I dont eat on a normal schedule. Frankly, with all of the appointments i'm meant to be making it to its nearly impossible to sit down for real meals. Not to mention not feeling hungry. I usually just graze all day, a piece of fruit here, some crackers there, and one "normal" meal. But now i'm supossed to be testing 2 hours after breakfast lunch and dinner, and frankly I don't know how i'm meant to be doing it.

I'm still struggling with the depression, and my OCD is worsened by that too. So while it might sound simple to say "change the way you structure your day" its not that simple. I have a routine and I need to be able to stick to it for my own sanity. So no doubt i'll completely fail at this too and end up on insulin. Can't get anything right!

On a different note, Sophie is off to the ENT today, finally. Hoping to walk out of his office with a surgery date so that she can finally have a fighting chance at staying healthy for longer than a couple of days.

28 weeks 6 days: feeling like a failure

I know that this is more depression and hormones than anything else, but I cant help but feel like i'm getting everything wrong this pregnancy. This poor baby deserves a happy and healthy environment to grow ready to come into the world, and instead i'm throwing one complication after another.

First I feel depressed and anxious for the first vital weeks. Then I get the subchorionic hemorage and risk losing her. Then my blood pressure goes funny. Then I pump her full of codine because of my hip. Then we find out that I didnt even grow her properly! And now the bloody diabetes! I cant get anything right.

What am I doing wrong?! I eat healthy! I dont gorge on sugar! I'm relatively fit, although I admit I havent been able to do much thanks to all the rest thats been needed. I take my vitamins, I cut out caffine, I do everything they ask, so why cant I just catch a break?!

Like I said, obviously i'm still depressed. But I just want to do something right for a change.

28 weeks 5 days: gestational diabetes

I saw Doctor Hingston again today in the high risk clinic, and got my blood results back. Good news: my iron levels are fine, so the tiredness is just normal pregnancy tiredness. Bad news: I apparently have gestational diabetes.
She explained that the fasting test should be above 5.0. Mine is 5.1. So I just missed out on being normal. Apparently the ratio has changed in the last six months so until then I would have been considered normal.
I have to see the diabetic clinic at the Mersey on Wednesday to organise my finger prick machine, and at this stage I really shouldn't have to change anything because its so close to being ok. I'll just have to check my sugar levels 4 times a day and keep an eye on them.
It also means even more follow up on the rest of the pregnancy. I feel like I should move in to the hospital at this point!
She also took a urine sample to check for infection, hopefully that will explain the strange pains before I need to pee.

28 weeks 2 days: kicks making me sick

This little coco bean of ours has very strong legs. Last night in bed she was kicking and moving like crazy, to the point where I actually thought I was going to be sick. Thats how much she was churning things up in there.

28 weeks 0 days: Hello 3rd trimester!

The third and final trimester, the home stretch! Woohoo! Gee, that last one was an adventure, and seemed really quite long and yet at other times the weeks flew by.

So how am I feeling? Well I woke up today feeling pretty huge and uncomfortable! My belly feels really tight and crampy and my back is aching like crazy, but I think that's more from a bad night sleep than anything else. Sophie has croup and a throat infection (yep, again) so I was listening to her cough and whimper all night long. But i'll take it easy on the couch today just to be safe.

We are just about ready for this bub's arrival now. The nursery is 95% done, her bag is packed for the hospital and soph is getting more and more excited about her new sister. She give my belly huge cuddles and kisses and keeps showing it all her favourite toys, probably letting her sister know that their hers and not to touch!

27 Weeks 2 Days: Progress in the nursery, blood tests and a contraction!

I've been pottering around in the nursery this week thanks to only having the two appointments earlier in the week to get to. I finally managed to get the million bags of baby clothes sorted out and packed away in the drawers. Oh and re-contacted the dressing table as well! The supply cupboard is now fully stocked with nappies, wipes and bath supplies, and all of the baby blankets and bunny rugs have been washed and folded and put away. The list is getting smaller and smaller!

Tuesday night I had my very first braxton hicks contraction. It was like a fairly intense period pain but not too unbearable.I knew what it was as soon as it started, even though I'd been saying recently that I wouldn't know a contraction if I fell over it! Haven't had any since though so one practise shot must have been enough for this little one!

After finally getting my blood tests done on Tuesday I got a letter in the mail today saying my vitamin D level is low. I wasn't surprised, I've been really slack taking my supplement lately so was expecting it to be low. But the letter didn't mention any of the other tests (glucose tolerance test, full blood count, ferritin) so I don't know if that means they were all clear or if they only notify you about the vitamin D by mail. I don't see Doctor Hingston until the 29th, so I guess I'll find out then.

26 Weeks 5 Days: Fantastic News

We saw the normal obstetrics clinic at the hospital today to get the scan report from last week, and it couldn't have gone better! Well, I guess it could have, they could have said they'd imagined the cleft, but realistically what we heard was the next best thing.

Basically bub is growing fantastically, there is the perfect amount of amniotic fluid and everything else that they check for is spot on too. So the risks of chromosomal defects at this point are next to none. We will have a beautiful little girl with a cleft, and that will be fixed soon enough.

We also got a call from the nursing unit manager at the Royal Hobart Hospital NICU to organise for us to take a look around when we go down. She confirmed that bub will actually be kept in the NICU after surgery, which is going to be really scary, not because of bub but because of all the other really sick babies who I'll see and will make me sad!

My BP was down again today when they checked so I've been resting today in the hope that it was just from a rough night with Sophie last night. Hopefully that's all anyway, because I'm finally doing my glucose test in the morning and I'm guessing that its going to be hard on my BP with the fasting and the instant hit of glucose.

My bump is starting to get really huge now, which I realised on the weekend when I did a side by side comparison photo:

So no surprises really today when they measured my fundal height and its already at 30 weeks! I can only imagine how gigantic I'll be when I'm fully cooked!

26 Weeks 3 Days: Feeling "off"

I'll be glad to see the OB on Monday. For the last couple of days I've just not felt right. I can't really put my finger on it though, and its not just one thing, its a combination of a whole heap of little things making me feel like crap. If bub wasn't kicking away so hard in there I'd be worried, but if she's happy then I'm alright.

Let's see: I have a backache that wont bugger off, niggly cramps in my tummy that are a cross between a light period pain and a constipation pain, an on-again-off-again headache, I'm so tired I've actually drifted off while I've been watching Sophie twice, and I just overall don't feel well! Maybe I'm coming down with another bug?

26 Weeks 1 Day: Growth Scan and Hospital Dramas

I know I've been very slack keeping the blog updated lately... I've just been so exhausted, I've barely been able to stay awake long enough to get Sophie into bed of a night before I crash! I haven't found the time to do my blood test yet either, but I wouldn't be surprised if my iron is a little bit low.

On Tuesday we had our growth scan. Everything seems to be going along nicely, but the sonogropher didn't speak to us the entire time so I guess we'll just have to wait until we see the OB on Monday for a real report. One thing I can tell is she's a bit on the chubby side - almost all of her measurements are at least a week in front! Such a nice change to Sophie being small though. I'd much rather have a baby with a bit of excess fat to play with if she's going to have feeding problems.

Our plans to transfer her to the Mersey after I'm discharged looks like it will be changing now too. They have closed the paediatric unit there, and wont have paediatricians on call like they have in the past, so even if they would accept her in the maternity unit there is no way that she would be able to get the care that she would really need, or the care that she could get at Burnie. It makes me so mad,and I've been emailing the media and politicians trying to get the government to change their minds, but its not likely to do much good.

That's it for now, things have quietened down a little for the next week or so, maybe I'll be able to catch up on some rest!

25 Weeks 5 Days: Hormones!

Oh my god, I'm a crying mess lately! Sophie's not sleeping very well so that's not helping, but I'm crying at the drop of a hat! The other day I was in the car listening to some lady talk about how her parents met - it was like something out of a fairytale and I burst into tears! I just looked at Drew and laughed because it was so silly to be crying over! And it just keeps going on. I cry if I miss a call from Drew, I cry if there's a sad news story, I'm sitting here now crying because they keep playing tributes to Brockie on the Bathurst coverage!

We have a pretty light week ahead, just a growth scan on Tuesday and I really should make my way over to town and get the blood tests done too. Hopefully things stay that quiet....

24 Weeks 6 Days: Appointments, appointments, appointments

I feel a little bit as though my pregnancy has been stolen from me. I know I wasn't exactly enjoying the whole thing, but now the focus has shifted so much from the experience of pregnancy to being all about what will happen after bub is born. I need to take some time to stop and smell the proverbial roses, but there's no time!

I have been so busy this week already, I don't even know where to start.

First of all, I passed out again on Friday night, while I was sitting on the toilet. I've had some sort of chest infection for a week or so, and I'd had a big coughing fit and felt really sick all of a sudden, so I went to the toilet. Next thing I knew Soph was standing next to me tapping me on the leg and asking if I was ok. It was pretty scary: Drew was at work so it was just me and Soph and I was worried that it might happen again before I got her to bed. I spent the rest of the night feeling really drained, and most of the next day, but thankfully I've stayed upright ever since!

Yesterday we had a follow up with doctor Hingston's clinic. We saw Doctor Kim, who was there last time we saw Doctor Hingston, and she just wanted to check that we'd heard from the people she'd sent referrals to. I asked her about the passing out and she agrees that it's my blood pressure dropping too low, and thinks I need to eat and drink more. Which is true, I keep forgetting to eat and I've barely been drinking at all. So the plan is to set reminders in my phone every four hours, and get on top of it.

She gave us a referral for another ultrasound at Regional Imaging next week, just to check bub's growth, and we will also go back to Women's imaging when we go to Hobart next month for a high quality one. And she's arranged for us to take a tour of the NICU and nursery while we're down there too, so it will be good to get an idea of how the place works before we have to go in with bub for the first time.

Today's appointment was with the local paediatrician. He answered a few questions that we had about when bub is delivered. He thinks that from what they can see on the scans so far she will be given an NG tube straight away rather than trying to get her to take a bottle and risking her weight dropping. He also thinks she'll probably have to stay in the hospital for about three weeks, which is going to be so hard for me to leave her there.

Most of our questions will need to be answered by the surgery team next month, and then again they still won't know everything until bub is born. It's frustrating not being able to have all of the answers right now.

I'm supposed to be having my 24 week blood screen done tomorrow, but frankly I'm too exhausted from the last few days to be bothered, so I think I'll do it next week and just spend the rest of this week at home catching up on the housework and some rest. When I'll still be exhausted lol. We have one week in the next two months where we don't have an appointment of some sort, so its pretty hectic right now.

24 Weeks 0 Days: Overwhelmed

The appointment letters are all starting to roll in this week. Plastics, surgery, paediatrics, speech, hearing, high risk obstetrics, lactation...how am I meant to keep up with all of these? Not to mention I still haven't managed to call the Cleftpals about feeding help. There are so many questions to ask, and I'm keeping a list as I think of them, but who do I ask what? And how do I remember everything? On top of all of these appointments for Coco, pretty soon there will be a new set for Sophie with ENT and paediatrics as well. It's too much. I'm not sure how anyone manages this sort of thing.

23 Weeks 6 Days: What a Week!

I've barely had time to think about being pregnant this week. Wednesday morning Sophie seemed to be getting over her throat infection, but by Thursday we were rushing her out to the hospital. She had a massive temperature and she hadn't drank anything since lunch time Wednesday. We were admitted to paeds and they started pumping her with fluids and high strength antibiotics to try and get her throat open enough for her to be able to drink by herself.

If you've ever boarded in the hospital with a child, you probably know how uncomfortable those fold out beds that they give you are. I figured with my hip and my pregnant back that if I lay on one of those I'd probably never be able to get up, So I spent the night alternating between sleeping in the chair and laying in bed with Sophie.

During Thursday night her temperature spiked to 40 degrees, and they couldn't get it below 39. When the paediatrician came in Friday morning he said they could see she had tonsillitis, but there was something else causing her temperature spikes, the problem was that none of there tests were showing anything. He ordered a chest xray in case they were missing anything there.

Friday afternoon her cannula stopped working, and I had to hold her down while they first tried to flush it through and get it going again, and then when they gave up and tried to get a new one in the other side. After half an hour of her screaming and me being close to tears they gave up, and put her on oral antibiotics. She was drinking small amounts by then so they decided it would be safe enough to see how she went without the IV.

Friday night was her worst. Her temperature stayed over 40 degrees for the whole night and she developed an angry red rash from the antibiotics. It's no surprise, she's been on antibiotics since last Monday, and the dose they were giving her was almost 3 times what she usually takes. Friday night was when I started to worry that something was really wrong. Its horrible not being able to help her when she's so sick. She wanted me to cuddle her but I couldn't because we were trying to cool her down, the best I could do was sit there and wipe her down with a cool,wet cloth.

Drew spent the night with us on Friday, so neither of us got much sleep, but it was good to have someone there to keep me calm and stop me from worrying. I'd tried to tell him to go home because he had work on Saturday and he needed to get some rest, but he loves his little girl so much and he wasn't going to leave her no matter what. He is an amazing dad. Another night sleeping in a chair had my hip screaming though.

On Saturday she was obviously very sick of being sick, and sick of having people poking and prodding at her.When she saw the paediatrician coming in she hid under the blankets and refused to come out until he left, and then she spent most of the rest of the day hiding under there as well. Mum and dad kicked me out of the hospital Saturday afternoon, mum stayed with Soph and I went with dad to get a coffee. It was good to get out of the place but I was still thinking about my baby girl the whole time.

The lack of sleep and the lack of laying down was taking a toll on me by Saturday, and I could feel my hands, feet and legs starting to swell up. I figured that as we were on the same ward as maternity I better get checked out, so I asked our nurse if she could check my blood pressure. It wasn't exactly high, but seeing as how it's been low for the whole pregnancy it was higher than that, so I was told to get my feet up and she would keep an eye on me. After I went out with dad though it was a lot better.

Her temperature stayed below 38 degrees Saturday, and she had her best night by far. She slept through the night, and because her temperature was stable the nurses didn't have to come in and disturb her every hour, they just left her alone. I gave in and slept in the fold out bed for the sake of my blood pressure.

When she finally woke on Sunday she looked a lot brighter than she'd looked the whole time. We were finally discharged, with another course of the high strength antibiotics to take home, and instructions to get a referral for an ENT to have her tonsils and adenoids removed. The doctors weren't able to work out what had caused her temperature spikes in the end, so yet again Sophie is our little medical mystery.

I'm just glad to have her home and on the mend. She still gets very tired very quickly, and she's quite cranky, but she's coming back to our beautiful little girl again slowly.

That's one way to pass a week of the pregnancy anyway, although I'd like to not have anymore like that thanks!

22 Weeks 6 Days: Sick again

Sophie has done a lovely job of sharing and passed on her germs to mummy. I have a hideous throat infection and its making my ears and and head ache as well as making swallowing near impossible. But rather than tough it out like I normally would I figured I better go get checked out for the baby's sake. Doctor Naiker put me on antibiotics and "rest". It always makes me laugh when he tells me to rest - he's seen how much energy Sophie has even when she's sick!

No appointments this week so hoping for a nice cruisy week to just enjoy being pregnant instead of having crap chucked at me. Probably jinxed that now....

22 weeks 4 days: back to the nursery

I finally found the courage to get back in the nursery and do some more work. Its stupid to think that just by sticking some silly stickers on the wall I made all of this happen. I need to just get on with it and do what needs to be done. So I built the cot and set it up. And aside from the missing mobile, it looks pretty good. Bub will be out of the bassinet and into the cot in no time.

22 Weeks 1 Day: No Amnio for us

I had a terrible night last night. I kept waking up feeling all tense and scared. I gave in at about 5am and got up. Even as we were in the car on our way to Burnie I still wasn't really decided on what I was going to do. Drew kept saying he was happy with what ever I decided so he was no help at all! I warned him though that he had to leave his sad eyes at home because I couldn't deal with holding myself together as well as him!

Doctor Hingston took one look at me and knew that I wasn't happy with doing the test. She explained the results of the scan again to us and said that because of the type of cleft there is a 50% chance that there are other defects present. She then said that because nothing else can be seen on the scan other than the cleft then our risk factor drops down to less than 15%. We were given a 52% chance of the 3 trisomy's with sophie based on her scans, so I'm happy enough to believe that nothing else is lurking around the corner for us.She did reiterate that it looks like one of the worst clefts that they have seen in a while and we will have a lot to deal with, but that we will be in very good hands.

In terms of what I was told yesterday about not being able to deliver at our hospital, I think the lady I spoke with probably didn't have all of the information at the time and was be overly cautious. But that's fine, I'd rather they start off over cautious than not cautious at all which is what I would have expected at our last hospital. Actually its pretty much exactly what we got at our last hospital with sophie considering they waiting so long to tell us there was a problem!

In the end she said she was pleased that we were so certain that the result wouldn't change our minds because it makes it easier for her to help us decide what to do. She said ultimately its about what we could live with easier - losing the baby now from a complication of the amnio or delivering a baby that has little chance of survival. And I know it might sound strange to some people, but losing the baby now would kill me more. I lost enough children I never got to meet for one lifetime.

My antenatal care does change without the amnio to confirm that everything is ok. They need to keep a closer eye on things, so I'm being transferred to Dr Hingston's high risk clinic and I'll be saying goodbye to Dr Jensen. I can't say enough how good he has been to us through the early stages, and I'll be a little sad to move on!

The plan is now that we have regular scans to check that she is growing properly, and unless her growth slows there is no reason to expect a problem. Dr Hingston is off to Fiji for a month (lucky thing!) so she had me meet her replacement today who I will see in 2 weeks time, and in the mean time they are organising for the surgeon and paediatrician to contact us, as well as the local cleftpals coordinator. We will have appointments coming out of our ears for the next 16 weeks so time is going to fly by so quickly.

I see my midwife in 3 weeks, and I'm going to just make sure that when we deliver the staff will be aware that we will have feeding complications and that they'll be prepared, and not trying to push the "breast is best" party line on me as I've heard that some midwifes still wrongly believe that cleft Babies can be breastfed and that sort of pressure will be the last thing I need.

I'm also going to sit down and make a big list of questions I need to ask everyone, and things I need to read up on like feeding with an NG tube, and financial assistance and all of that. Lots and lots of research coming my way, I'll be a cleft palate expert in no time!

So that's where we are at today. Who knows what tomorrow has in store....

22 Weeks 0 Days: Roller coasters

Just as we start to come to terms with one thing, another comes up and knocks us off our feet again. It's like riding a really stupid roller coaster and not being allowed to get off. Well here's the thing: I want off now!

There's a lot to share today, and I want to do it in a way that people can understand, so this is a long post I'm afraid. Bear with me, hopefully by the end you'll have a better idea of what's going on, even if I'm still trying to work it out myself.

We went to Hobart yesterday for the tertiary scan. And again a small part of me expected them to tell us they'd got it all wrong. Why do I keep doing that?! It never works out that way does it? I have to say though that I wish we had a facility like that up here, the staff were all so friendly and welcoming, and both the sonographer and radiologist talked to us the entire time and explained everything they were seeing.

Before we get into the bad stuff, let me tell you something good. We are having another little girl. The sonographer wasn't certain, but the radiologist was able to say straight away when she looked. So Sophie is going to have a little sister.

The sonographer took a lot of pictures and explained that she could definitely say there is a cleft. But it's worse than we expected. Coco has a bilateral cleft lip extending into both palates. If you run your tongue over the roof of your mouth, that's your palate. The hard palate is the bit thats hard (duh!) and the soft palate is that bit at the back where it's all squishy. So our baby's cleft goes right through the lips and back into that soft bit. Here is a picture I found on google that shows what the lips might look like:

 

 

Because the cleft in the palate goes so far back, there is a very high chance that she won't be able to feed without help. Even the special bottles might not be enough, and chances are she will need to spend some time in the special care nursery being tube fed while we try to figure that out. I may even have to come home without her, which terrifies me.

 

The radiologist broke some even scary news than all of that though. It seems that with the bilateral cleft like the baby has, rather than the unilateral cleft that Drew had, there is a much higher chance of it being caused by other chromosomal abnormalities such as trisomy 13 and trisomy 18. The radiologist mentioned that we might want to do an amniocentesis to find out, but I brushed it off at the time, mainly because both Drew and I were chromosonally tested earlier in the ear and both came up clear. I figured that that meant we were in the clear now.

 

This morning though we got a phone call from an obstetrician that works with Doctor Hingston. As it turns out Doctor Hingston is the only OB on the north west coast that is able to preform amniocentesis, and as chance would have it, she is going on holiday after tomorrow. So I need to make a decision between now and 9am tomorrow morning about what I'm going to do.

 

I said originally that I wouldn't do it unless it changes our pregnancy and birth care. We turned it down with Sophie when they expected problems at 32 weeks. But the lady I spoke to today thinks that we need to know in order to organise for the rest of the pregnancy care in the high risk clinic, and to arrange for the birth. So I don't really seem to have much choice.

 

I'm really scared of the amnio. There's a 1 in 300 chance of going into early labour once you have the procedure done, and we all know how me and statistics like that don't get along too well. I asked about Doctor Hingston's success rate, and the lady I spoke to reassured me that she has never had a single complication in the entire time she's been doing them. So that's something.

 

I haven't completely decided to go ahead with it. I've agreed to meet with Doctor Hingston in the morning, and I can ask her as many questions as I like before I decide. I just don't know how I'm meant to decide that's all.

 

I feel completely overwhelmed by everything. To be honest, I really don't know how much more I can take. And how much should I be expected to take anyway. Surely enough is enough already?



21 Weeks 5 Days: Gulp.

The big scan is tomorrow. We'll hopefully get to find out just how bad this cleft is, and then maybe I can start to work out a real plan. I've been trying to organise and prepare myself, but its hard when I don't know how bad it will be. The feeding is the part that's worrying me the most. I watched Sophie get so sic because she wouldn't suck, I don't want to have to see another baby go through that.

I think it's mainly the thought of the baby needing to be taken away to the special care nursery. They wanted to take Sophie but I refused to have her away from me. I made them bring the heat bed in to my room so I could see her and touch her still. And then if we're in special care there's no way we'll be going home after a couple of days, which is going to make the adjustment so much harder for Sophie too.

I'm off to Doctor Naiker today. I'm supposed to have my mental health review that I've been putting off for weeks. But I know that if I tell him everything that's been going on and how I've been struggling he'll want to put me back on the meds straight away. And I just feel so much more like a failure having to take them.

Sophie needs a good check up too. Pretty sure she has a chest infection, a throat infection and a couple of ear infections. And I have to be a terrible mother and leave her at nanny's tonight because we'll have to leave at 5am tomorrow. I hate leaving her when she's sick.

21 Weeks 1 Day: Finances

On top of not knowing if I'm strong enough to deal with the emotional strain that's in store for us, I have to say I'm seriously worried about the finances.

Drew doesn't get sick pay or holidays. He's already working 6 days a week to keep us afloat, and I can't go back to work because of Sophie. When coco arrives we will be even more dependant on his income, with the extra nappies and formula and all those other things that pop up thanks to a newborn.

But because I don't drive he will have to take time of work for each doctor's visit, each surgical appointment, each treatment. Some of those will mean we have to travel to Hobart, and even though PTASS think its easy enough to do in a day, it's really not. So we'll be staying overnight and he'll be missing at least two days of work at a time.

How are we going to manage that? The best I can come up with is we start putting some money aside each week now, but I doubt that's going to add up to much. We have a very long road ahead of us.

21 Weeks 0 Days: Special Bottles?!

The bottles we will need for coco are $47 EACH. And here I was planning to ditch our "expensive" Avent bottles we used with Sophie and get the kmart cheapies. I wanted to have at least enough bottles to get through the day without needing to steralise any. That's going to cost hundreds of dollars.

Maybe we should ask for bottles instead of baby shower gifts?

20 Weeks6 Days: A quick share

I want to share something that I stole from the Cleftpals Victoria website. I thought it might help to explain to those that can't understand why we are so upset about this problem that can "easily be fixed with surgery". It is taken from a speech given by Rosie Giddings at the Anual Scientific Meeting of the Aus Tetrology Society:

 

When a couple are expecting their child they may have an intellectual understanding that they stand a 2% chance

of having a child with a birth defect but emotionally they usually cannot accept this could happen to them. If they

are one of the 2% it is often very difficult for them to accept emotionally that their child isn't perfect.

Parents need their own time to grieve the loss of their perfect child. For some parents this may take only a few

minutes, whilst for others it may take years. Parents need understanding and support to come to terms with their

grief. Parents who have dealt with these emotions are usually better able to cope with the problem themselves

and thus support, care for and love their child.

So, while we appreciate that those people are saying that to try and help, its important to understand that we ARE hurting in this. Over all though, the support is amazing and I can't quite beleive it. So thank you to every one who is standing by our side :)

20 Weeks 5 Days: Confirmation

A part of me really thought that we'd see the specialist today and she'd tell us there was a mistake and everything is fine. But it didn't work out like that. Kind of the opposite really.

She did a scan, and straight away said that yes she can see a cleft in the hard palette, and most likely in the soft palette as well. She thinks the lip is probably affected but couldn't get a look at it. So we are looking at a pretty nasty case but wont know more until next week.

She referred us to a special ultrasound clinic in Hobart that specialises in OB/GYN. We have to go down Tuesday morning. So once we have that scan done we will be able to see what we are dealing with and come up with a plan for when to do the first surgery.

Dr Hingston also said that they will need to look at other markers as well, because there is a chance that it could be an indicator of a genetic condition, but not to panic because there is also a chance that it's just because Drew was born with it.

There is 5-10% chance of if being inherited from a parent or sibling. 5-10%. What is it with me an percentages? There is a 1% chance of a subchorionic hemorrhage, and I've had 3. There is a less than 1% chance of a 2 vessel cord. 1 in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, I've lost 2 from 4. I have some sort of statistical disability I think. But then when you look at the other side: we were told there was a 3% chance of falling pregnancy naturally, and we've done it the last 2 times. Sophie had a 52% chance of being really sick, and she's fine. So maybe I'm not completely unlucky.

I think I should probably be freaking out right now, but I'm actually really calm. It's nothing like Friday when we found out. Now I'm just preparing to find out as much as I can and get ready for this thing that I can't do anything about. We are going to have such a long road ahead of us, with a lot of really painful surgeries for bub and a lot of time off work for Drew and time away from home for all of us, but we will get through it.

I'm hoping to find someone in Drew's family who can tell me more about his surgeries. It's hard not knowing what to expect. And I'll call cleftpals and see what sort of support they can give too. We'll get through it... eventually.

20 Weeks 2 Days: It's not good

After three very stressful days we finally saw the doctor. And it's not great news.

First up we had to see the midwife, and as soon as she asked me how I was going I burst into tears. I explained that we would be seeing Doctor Jensen as soon as we finished with her, and she said that yes, she had the scan report but she couldn't tell us what was wrong. She said that we shouldn't worry though, because the problem could be fixed. Which of course made me worry because my baby needs fixing.

I made it through the rest of that appointment, blood pressure is slightly high thanks to the stress, 105/90. Got to hear baby's heart beat which was nice. As we were leaving she gave me a bunch of flowers and a hug, and told me not to worry again.

So we headed out and I was still in tears. Waited in Doctor Jensen's rooms for 20 minutes and he finally came and got us. The report has come back saying expected cleft lip and palette. I questioned it because they'd told me they couldn't tell, so Doctor Jensen is sending us to see Dr Hingston on Monday for further scans and to get all the information.

I feel so deflated. Here I was thinking I'd managed to get it right this time, to grow a perfectly healthy and happy little baby, and I didn't. Now I have to put this poor kid through surgery and probably feeding issues and speech problems... I know Drew has come out the other end of his perfectly alright, he has some trouble with his breathing and his speech but he's ok. I just feel really let down.

And then there's the bullies. Kids can be so mean, I don't want my little person getting picked on. I worry enough about the birth mark on Sophie's leg.

 I guess today I'm sort of grieving. I've lost the perfect child idea and have to adjust to this whole new thing. And I really wish that Drew's mum was still with us to talk me through it all. She would have known what to say.

20 Weeks 1 Day: Not knowing

Not knowing what is wrong is killing me. There are times that my imagination is not a good thing, when I can put myself into a complete spin because I've researched things for my writing or I've lived out an event in my mind, and I hate that. I wish I wasn't a creative right now.

I keep looking back over the scans trying to find something, anything to give me a hint. But I can't make any sense of them. From what I can see the measurements are all fine. But I guess they wouldn't give me any bad images would they?

I'm barely sleeping. I keep waking up in a cold sweat and then I can't get back to sleep. Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough. I don't even want to go see the midwife first, I just want to barge straight up to Doctor Jensen's office and ask him what the hell is wrong!

19 Weeks 6 Days:The Call you Don't want To Get

I got a call from Doctor Jensen's receptionist. He wants to see us this week to "discuss the scan report". That's what she said. When we saw him last week he didn't have the report but that he'd call if there was a problem. So there's a problem, right? I knew it was too good to be true. I knew I couldn't have a healthy pregnancy. What the hell is wrong with me.

And it's my fault. I bought things. Borders and bedding, even though I knew I shouldn't. Even though I knew that every time I've bought something home for the baby before 28 weeks something has gone wrong. I didn't listen to my own common sense and now look. Something is wrong. And I have no bloody idea what because that damn radiology department doesn't tell you anything. THey tell you its fine and then its not.

19 weeks 3 days: eeeeek.

I made a to-do list of things that we (me!) Need to do before coco arrives. I'm actually surprised that I hadn't done it already seeing as I make lists for anything and everything, and I really wish i'd done it sooner! Do you have any idea how much I have to do before january?! Well, before december really because I dont want to get caught out by an early arrival! My head is hurting just thinking about it all... Why oh why did I think it would be easier this time just because we have sophie's baby things already?!

19 Weeks 1 Day: Morphology Scan Day!

So... who's been waiting for this day as long as I have?! I have to admit I had a bit of a panic last night, I got myself all worked up about everything that could be wrong, and I was pretty terrified. I didn't get much sleep and then I woke up at 4.30 and just lay there until 7.30 when I finally gave in and got up.

We managed to get a really good sonographer this time who talked to us the whole time, explaining every little detail that he was seeing. He agrees with me that Drew most likely was born with a two vessel cord seeing as he had so many problems, and so the first thing he checked was the cord:

 

Perfect. The cord has three vessels at each end and is attached nicely at both ends too. So that eliminates my biggest worry of all, because all of the issues that found with Sophie came from the cord. After that I was pretty relaxed really and just enjoyed the ride.

 

Bub was kicking and boxing and turning away, making it very hard to get good pictures so it took a while to get through everything. Next up were the kidneys, and he quickly found two of the little guys in there and the blood flow to them looks good so they are fine.

 

 

 

Which only left the face (above) and checking for cleft palette. But bub was feeling very shy and refused to move their hands away from their face, even after an hour and lots of jiggling. I'm not too worried, even if there is a cleft palette the surgery today has improved so much since when Drew had his, and his looks perfect anyway. I just really wanted to know so that I could prepare everyone else, because it does look pretty scary before it's fixed. We will be getting another scan in a few weeks to see if we can get a better picture though.

 

The all important measurements are pretty much all on track, mostly within a day or two. This is such a good sign, at this point with Sophie she was measuring between a week and two weeks smaller on everything, so I'm fairly confident this one is going to keep growing at the right pace.

 

 

 

Of course we really wanted to find out the sex, but with bub facing the wrong way and being a bit of a ninja in there, it was hard to get a clear picture. The sonographer said that he couldn't see any "boy bits" but he certainly was ready to make any bets on that. So I guess we still wait and see, although I secretly think it will be another perfect little girl!

 

After the scan we waited around Burnie for a few hours until our appointment with Doctor Jensen, but that was a bit of a waste of time. He hadn't received the ultrasound report but he was sure that they would have called if there were any problems, so he is happy for us to see the midwife next week for the results, and to arrange a follow up scan based on what they say. And he doesn't want to see me again until November!

 

I am so incredibly happy today. I can't wait for the next 20 or so weeks to fly by so we can meet our little baby!!

19 Weeks 0 Days: Nervous!!

Tomorrow is the big day. 9.30 tomorrow morning we get to see our litle coco again, and finally check for complications. I'm nervous. What if the cord is back? You can't beat the odds twice can you? I just want my baby to be healthy, nothing else matters.

In some lighter news, morning sickness and cravings have disapeared, and coco's movement are getting stronger :)

18 Weeks 5 Days: Bottlefeeding and proud!

God some women can be bitchy. You participate in a discussion about breast or bottle, and end up being told you need therapy for finding comments like "wouldn't be right to feed them from a can" as completely unacceptable. If it was the other way around, and I was telling a woman planning to breast feed that she was making a mistake I would be tarred and feathered. But it's completely acceptable to judge a woman for deciding not to breast feed.

I can't do it. I tried and my daughter lost almost 40% of her birth weight. It took over 3 months to get her back to her birth weight in the end, and a lot of tears and guilt before I was prepared to allow myself to use formula. And still today I have idiot medical professinoals trying to tell me that she wouldn't have her immunity problems if she'd been breastfed "like she should have been". What a joke!

Woman should be supported in what ever decision they make. Maybe it's time someone started a support group for non breast feeding women... share some of the respect that the breast feeders get!

18 Weeks 4 Days: Can't breath, getting over it

So I wake up this morning, and I can't breathe. My throat is constricted and I'm wheezing like an asthmatic toddler.Is there a pregnancy symptom that I'm NOT going to get this time around? I'm trying so hard to be upbeat, but this last week everything is getting on top of me.  I spent all day Thursday in bed because I couldn't make myself get up.

I want to stop vomitting. I want to stop not being able to eat more than 2 bites of anything other than yogurt. I want to stop crying at the stupidest things. I want to be able to poop. I want the heartburn to go away. I'm just tired and hormonal and frustrated. Hopefull this scan next week will improve my mood a bit.

18 Weeks 1 Day: Sharp Pain Returns

That stupid pain from Tuesday was back again yesterday, so I spent most of the day in bed. It was quite nice to just lay there and do nothing, with Drew loking after me and keeping Sophie under control. A warm bath and then bed and I woke up feeling slighty better today thankfully. I'm still really exhusted though. I think I'll get the midwife to order an iron study next week and check that out.

18 weeks 0 days: Pains, Nurserys and Cravings

I made it to 18 weeks. I really didn't think we'd get this far. 10 weeks ago I was ready to say goodbye and wasn't allowing myself to attach, and now I'm ordering nursery stuff and being kicked and prodded from the inside. There are no words for this. I remember 18 weeks was about the time with Sophie when I let myself believe she could be. Then a few weeks later that took that away with their stupid and scary diagnosis's. Not this time though: this baby is going to be fine.

Yesterday as we were coming out of the supermarket I was hit with these really sharp pain in my tummy. They had me doubling over and were coming in waves, and I was a bit worried. Drew was terrified. They went away when I got home and layed on the couch so I think I'm fine, I'd guess I overdid things the day before with the nursery.

Yep. I started the nursery. I cleaned out all the junk and the only things in there now are the things for the baby. Even bigger than that though: I bought things. I ordered bedding that matches our bassinet and wallpaper borders, and even a bag of baby wipes. I'm not going to let my silly superstitions get in the way of getting excited about this baby.Those things are only real if you believe in them, and I choose not to believe any more.

Last of all, my latest craving: Yogurt. It's ridiculous how much of the stuff I can eat. Drew chucked one on the bed the other night and then got changed, by the time he climbed into bed I'd just about finished his yogurt. And then I went and ate three more! I don't care what brand or flavour, I just want more yogurt! I didn't have cravings with Sophie, so not being able to sleep because you're thinking about all the different flavours of yogurt is weird!

17 Weeks 5 Days: Emotional!

My hormones are wreaking havoc with me this past few days. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, I can't watch TV or listen to the radio without having a sook! I was listening to Pink yesterday while I tidied up, and I was balling my eyes out to 'Dear Mr President'! And don't get me started on 'Sunday Night' last night!

I'm supposed to be editing a story to enter in a big competition, but its a very personal piece and I'm too scared to even open the file right now in case I end up crying!

17 Weeks 4 Days: Bump Picture

Here is my bump at 17 weeks... I can't beleive how big it is but it's so obviously baby so its fine. And I've only gained 4kg since I found out I was pregnant so I'm pretty damn pleased with myself there.

17 Weeks 2 Days: Movement

Laying in bed last night all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Sophie is sick and she's passed her bugs onto me and I think I'm getting some sort of flu, so I was buggered. But little coco had different ideas. Every time I'd get close to sleep there would be a tiny little somersault or kick that would wake me up again.

Sophie used to be so mellow of a night time. She'd kick up a storm all day long, and then she'd get the hiccups after dinner and that would be the last I'd feel of her until morning. This one is the opposite. I don't have much movement at all during the day, unless Sophie is crying which bub must hear. But all night long its kick, kick, kick.

I like the night time kicking better though, because I can lay there and enjoy it. With Sophie I had things to do during the day so I couldn't focus on her kicks.

16 Weeks 6 Days: A new dress!

Drew is taking me out for a grown up night tonight, no sophie chucking food everywhere! And I had nothing to wear so we went shopping, and I actually found a dress that doesn't look hideous. It shows off my belly without making me look like a whale :) Its a little bit fancy, but I think I might just live in it for the next 4 months ;-)

16 weeks 4 days: a nursery

This week i'm going to make a really good start on the baby's room. It's the only room in the house that hasn't been unpacked, and it's also where we keep chucking the things that we don't know where to put! I can just about get through the door so it might be a good idea to start sorting it out.

Its tricky though, because I can't by anything and set it up how I want to. I'm incredibly supersticious on this. There's an old jewish proverb that says you can't bring anything in to the housr until the third trimester. With oliver I brought home a baby monitor at 7 weeks which we were going to give to mum to keep at her house. With george we bought a new monitor to use with sophie at the time but to be for the baby afterwards. That was around 8 weeks.

So i'm not buying a thing, even though i'm tempted to start stocking up on nappies and wipes and blankets. I'll just clear the mess out of the room and set the furniture up. That can't mess with the superstision can it?

I got some feed back this week from a young lady who is pregnant with her first and having a hard time of it. Its good to see that my struggle is helpung someone else with theirs.

15 weeks 6 days: stocktake

"well into your second trimester you're probably starting to feel a little bit better as most of those first trimester symptoms disapear"... Yeah. Right.

Let's do a stocktake shall we:
Morning sickness, check.
Leg cramps, check.
Back ache, check.
Hip pain, check.
Round ligament pain, check.
Headaches, check.
Night time pee, check.
Crazy dreams, check.
Stuffy nose, check.
Ringing ears, check.
Low blood pressure, check.
Exhusted, check.
Acne, check.
Heartburn, check.
Pregnancy glow, not likely!

It seems as though i'm destined to keep every symptom I pick up for the rest of my pregnancy, but at least it tells me that something is going on in there!

Sad that we dont get to see coco again for 3 more weeks, we haven't gone that long without a peak for the whole time.

16 weeks tomorrow... This is going so slowly!

15 Weeks 3 Days: Check up and toddler germs

Sophie has a nasty cold that came on the night I passed out, and she's trying her hardest to pass her germs on to me. She has rivers of snot and a racking cough that's been keeping me awake, and now I have a sore throat to go with it. Which is why I forgot toupdate after our appointment with Doctor J on Thursday.

Not that there's much to say, except that bub is growing nicely and he's not overly concerned about Wednesday night, but he will be keeping an eye on my blood pressure. Growth is still spot on, which is really reassuring after what we went through with Sophie. At her 18 week scan she was measuring a week behind, and in the time between that scan and the follow up at 26 weeks she was up to 6 weeks behind. So it's good to see this one growing properly.

we don't see Doctor J for another four weeks, but he's given us our referral for the all important morphology scan at 19 weeks. That's booked for the 23rd of August, which is the same day we go back to Jensen so we'll be able to get the results straight away this time instead of waiting five weeks like we did with Sophie.

I'm slightly nervous about the scan. The two vessel cord with Sophie was terrifying, and I don't know whether I'd be more inclined to ignore it if it came up this time or worry even more because we've already beaten the odds with it once before. Not to mention the kidneys and the cleft palette we'll be looking for as well. Oh well, four weeks and we'll know. And I'll have some beautiful pictures to share!

15 weeks 1 day: a little scare

It's never simple with me, is it? Last night we were meant to be celebrating as a family before mum and dad head off to western australia tomorrow, and instead everyone ends up eating cold food that they dont feel like having and waiting for news from the hospital.

I felt fine all day, and I was really looking forward to having my nachos because i'd been craving them all week. I was fine eating my entree of salt and pepper squid but then three bites into my nachos I felt like crap.

I knew I was going to pass out. My head got all fuzzy and I could sort of feel the energy draining out of me. I felt like I was going to throw up. I remember looking at mum and saying I didnt feel good, then I got up to go outside and the next thing I know dad was trying to get me up off the floor.

Apparently I fell down twice while they were trying to get me outside. I could hear dad talking to me, but I couldnt reapond and it sounded like he was really far away.

By some freaky sort of luck there was an ambulance crew there attending another man, and the woman came straight outside to me and stayed with us while we waited for another crew to come. I felt a little better as soon as I was in the fresh air.

She took my bp once I was coherrent, and it was only 100/50. 10 minutes later it was back to normal. My blood sugar was fine.

My ambo crew arrived and they were just as good as the first and insisted that I go to the hospital to get checked out. I was feelung better by this point but I didnt want to argue. The ambo in the back with me joked that he was really sorry that he was taking me to the mersey - turns out he's not a fan either. He said something about how he should really try and find something nice to say about them but he couldnt think of any, I agreed with him.

We got to the hospital and waited 15 minutes at the triage beforw anyone came to take me off thwir hands, the ambos were getting very pissed off. Then I was stuck in a chair in the hallway and no one came near me for 40 minutes, not even to check my bp. All the time I was worrying about drew who was waiting out in reception.

When they finally let drew in and he did some yelling they moved me to a bed that had been empty the whole time and started to pay me some attention, but by then I was fine and just wanted to go home. Over the next 2 hours they did an ecg and testedy urine, both were clear. They checked my blood pressure sitting amd standing and it drops slightly when I standing but it wasnt low so they sent me home.

We have an appointment with doctor jensen this afternoon, so hopefully he can shed some light on things for us. I really hope he doesnt say those horrible "bed rest" words again, I only just got out of that!

I feel fine this morning, a little queesy and a little embarrassed thats all. I sure know how to steel all the attention ;)

14 weeks, 5 Days:First Trimester run-off

Apparently my body didn't get the message that things are supposed to get better in the second trimester. I'm still getting bouts of morning sickness, this morning being one of the bad ones. I still have sore boobs. I'm still completely exhausted - I had 12 hours sleep last night and yet I could easily go back for another 12. No fair.

Second trimester with Sophie was amazing, I was completely symptom free and enjoyed the whole lot. Goes to show that every pregnancy is different... maybe this one's a boy?

14 Weeks 2 Days: Midwife

Today's appointment was a little disappointing in that the midwife didn't do a Doppler, but other than that it went great. organised some stronger drugs for my hips, and sorted out vitamins for my leg cramps. She doesn't think I need to bother having this silly blood test done until they'd usually do it at 24 weeks so that's a bonus too. Back in 6 weeks for another check up.

Oh, and coco is doing a little dance in my belly... Its the best feeling

14 weeks 0 days: Hungry!

14 weeks! Wow the numbers are starting to creep up now!

Main symptom this week? Increased appetite. I can't stop eating. I have breakfast, and then half an hour later my head's in the fridge hunting something out and it continues all day. It's freaking me out because I've worked so hard the last 18 months to get my weight under control and all this eating is the opposite of what I normal want to do! But all for a good cause!

Midwives appointment on Friday, can't wait to hear little coco's heartbeat. We haven't heard it since our 6 week scan so its going to be awesome!